this is it, this is all of it

So ADD

My pronoun are

I am she her hers

I use 'they' accurately.  Sometimes specificity is imprecise.  I deal with vaguery like it's my job.

EG, I put Angry Bird eyebrows on for my 3rd bday, and now I need surgery to get them off. I am not ready to fight, I furrow bc the lighting is harsh, and I must concentrate to the max in order to hear them, so I may respond as a normie.  P.S. that's why I stare at mouths, bc pippo irl do not come with cc.

Inside, I'm peaceful; defeated but too tired to care about sadness, it's all the same; I am winning bc they can't incite anything out of me anymore. I choose radical kindness bc acceptance feels risky, deviant, and punk. Inside, I look like Sponge Bob.

I feel trapped by my outsides, I do have sensations of: life would improve if I ripped my face off.  It is frustrating bc my looks betray my insides.  Acceptance seems only possible for square pegs.  I would sell my first born if I could be a square peg.  BC of how I look on the outside, my disfigurement makes It maddening to hope for tolerance of ND.  If I ever had aspirations for acceptance, I end up as Carrie with the pig's blood.  The bloody cleanup my parents will be held financially responsible for.

I wish a 200lb Asian Female ≠ kung fu assassin prostitute stereotype.  For 30 years I was unaware of the stereotype.  In the last 10 years, I learned that being prejudicial is not shameful, and that stereotypes are better internalized than real life experience.  I am ostracized bc I accept I am mentally challenged for being unaware of how all people think of all Asian women as sex workers (especially YangKim.women against Asian orphans (I have fought against Asian stereotype since I could eat solids.  I will incinerate your intentional cruelty via your own stick in the same way people say 'bless you' when they hear a sneeze.))

I can't change the nonsense elders pass on to their precious progeny.  I can only effect those with an open and fecund mind, that crosses my path on a rare good day.

you say rizz I say potato

When I was a little girl, I didn't know how to cope with airplanes flying overhead.  Helicopters have the flickering light effect slicing with the dullest knife in the drawrer.  During the BLM protests I nearly went mad, with the curfews, and amazon not able to get into cc³

Yes, all air craft are SO loud.  5-person planes have a cozy enough cabin that it's better than a jet.  Living in Queens, even in the next town over, it can sound like the bus sized jet is directly behind you.

As a little girl

- I'd run and duck often (that is a PTSD symptom)

- Remain under clothed tables the entire night

- Duck Squat and roley poley with my head between my knees, at the center of an over hung circular clearance garment rack, rocking from side-to-side)

- Beneath pickup truck beds (those beds feel and are designed to save you from a falling boulder or cow)

- Bathrooms are more waterproof so it's more sound proofed and peaceful in there.  It's still the poop room, but it's better than a public park bbq holiday weekend party meltdown.

I could still spend the rest of my life living under a 65" gazebo.  Id make a human sized dog house.

The sunglasses indoors, noise cancelling everything, hair twirling, neck cracking, chronic snacking, rubbing deep my own upperarms, is me regulating.  These stims act as pressure release valves.  My ticks get me hated by all who I love, but it's the best I can do compared to the tazmanian devil I became if in Sears too long.

Paura Stella Heo and Mr. Pring both said 'only if you tried at all.  Christine, you only give the bare minimum.'

Surely invalidating

Mostly shaming, bc life must be so easy for them to have no idea what 'always trying my best' looks like.

³bc suddenly everyone was at the grocery store between 9AM - 5PM with 7 'copters always in the sky bc I live .8 miles from city hall.  

small dicked individuals

I am neurodivergent

This manifests as a 2005 Dell or iMac desktop

I've got the spinning hardrives

RAM appropriate for home use 

.mov card

A gig of untouched drivers

Internal modem, DSL capable 

Slightly cracked processors over welded

Excessive Au

Overheats untl automatic shutoff

If you had one of these, you can stop reading, you get my ADHD.  If you'd like to know more about ND, or are curious if I mention you by name, read on.

Especially, if you don't understand each task costs spoons, you will feel disappointment.  If you give inadequate time to prepare - I will fail bc your expectations were set by rested Sunhee.  For example, while I don't have the bandwidth to remember your girlfriend's name at her own party, what you label witchcraft is Bloomberg Terminal.

How I wish I could be me, spontaneously, and/or at all times.  To an individual like me, in 2024, it can be a matter of life and death whose name I forget.  It's useless to be an almanac, there's a free app for that.

When I'm emotionally regulating overstimulation, fatigue, or anxiety, etc. my working memory, and memory retrieval glitches, and my masking greatly suffers.  If this is an opportunity to gaslight, to plagiarize and butcher, to pretend you don't remember nor understand who I am, I will depersonalize at the sight of you for the rest of your life.  You have been clocked as untrustworthy, the sort who prefers me mute, that gets a brain-sploding [lady] boner for Mighty Incapacitated.

What could have been an opportunity to tattoo your gentle and heroic silhouette all over the primal crannies of my brain, you chose cheap thrills.  If you are safe, I'd pathologically feed, massage, do everything I can to make sure you are around the next time a monster jumps out.  Instead, you squandered on a powertrip.  It's thrilling for the smallest, feckless cowards to feel powerful when hurting something that can't defend itself.

That's not what you were aiming for.  Might we find a quiet time to explain ourselves, or do you choose to become forever branded as unsafe to Primal.

To the Face

When I say, 'I miss Amy,' I wish there was someone to hear me.

You know how those that don't have, overcompensate?

Like, I don't have kids, never had kids, and soon never will.  And I walk around saying things like, 'who-da-who can afford kids these days?'  and, 'why are they so loud?' and 'i never want to share my good food.,'

I am confident, if I did have kids, with my social capital and window of tolerance at the state that it is, they'd never forgive me.  

I can honestly say, no one i've known inspired even a day dream, 'would he be a good father'.  There have been attempts to Federline me.  I always chose Katherina.  I don't think I can.

I think it's been proven that babies are antidepressants.  I am certain I have been clinically depressed ever since my body clicked and found out I can't make kids.

So, parents, next time, before you get defensive around me and my fabulous single life, know that I am always alone and will always wonder what-if.  Know that my path never led to a streak of stability that my organs went, 'it'd be good to gestate.'.

Not even early 20s when my ovaries were singing arias and spraying pheromones all over the walls.

ND to NT

Neurotypicals will find me wrong and developmentally delayed

Because I do not lie

Wait, wait!

I can lie

I don't bc I don't feel the need

I will lie my heart out if you ask me to

Do you like me now?

why I stare

Sometimes tussles occur like right in front of me.  Like for example on the subway, at the dog park, grocery store, gridlocked inroads the weekend before memorial Daymesfing to Holland tunnel but I am in rollerblades delivering.

And I just stare.  I don't step in.  I do this, even though I am so uncomfortable that you two are fighting and engaging in hand to hand combat...at Acme.  I do this, bc I learned as alittke girl, even before I learned the phrase 'stop fighting pleese'.  I learned that if someone is looking, fights are 900% shorter and less intense than if no one was within field of vision.  

I'm not spectating, not catatonic, not mind-controlling.  I am probably imaging I'm a flint looking up at the surface of the water.  It's sunny but lush so the lighting is in shades of indigo and orange.

I'm doing my best to say, 'i want you to stop being meanies.'

If you must fight, it will only get a.to a 5 with me watching.  It can get to an 11 when no one is around to hear the screams.