I'm sorry I couldn't hide my autism
Please stop pushing me to kill myself
It hurts
It hurts like someone has bent me backwards so far back I think my back is broken, but I can still breathe see and hear
I welcome you to kill me
But I will not kill myself. I can't.
I've been trying since 7yo. It's challenging, and scary. I can't do it.
It is a suffocating drowning feeling
In a house as a pest
Unwelcomed bc I didn't slit my wrists to avoid manufactured agony
The dinner table praying I snap bc I was left out again
I'm ok
I'm 41/43 and know they're not my family
But Little Me,
5 yo
7yo
12yo
15yo
19yo
24yo
35.
Wished dead by mother. Sentenced to death for being born. Disappointing everyone bc I won't just die.
Everyone told me it wasn't a big deal and to get over it. I don't expect to count. But i do feel in a way I can never forget. He made me feel like I had run 100miles in the cold, my heart beat so fast it stopped glub-glubbing and became a high pitched whir in my ears. The smile he had each time I was returned to him. How I screamed and flailed at the front door Steph slammed behind her. The dead bolt too high for me to reach. Wendy and Jay looking at me as if I were filth. I'm still patiently waiting for my ability to fly at the speed of light so I can protect every little person from Steph and her family.
Let me leave.
