I can't accept that all of this is just for fun. Because those first 3 years in Philly were of epics, I would be dead if not for Amy. Jen met Shareiff, and boy did Shar run with it. Shareiff arranged Ally and Roscoe, and Rob. Stella for every birthday since 1 year before dad died. Rob almost killed me. Only bc I had been sedated regularly as a preteen did I make it out of that apartment. Legit, my capacity was like Wolf of Wall Street Lemons. Rob passed out taking bites out of my arm, and I couldn't feel my skin hanging off as I army crawled out of that apartment. I rolled across the lobby and the can driver threw me in like a rug.
Jen must believe I betrayed her. I have never. I really need people to know betrayal is exceptional, abnormal, cancerous. Like it's massive effort to betray, no effort to not betray.
I think she's since discovered it wasn't me, there's a lot of people who want to hurt her. but based on bad Intel, she's already talked and done such craziness there's no back pedaling. Idk, I can't be mad at her. It's my programming, she is a god. Like I didn't know when I was a kid, but by 9th grade and learning about geek and roman mythology, I was convinced Jen was a god in hiding. I just hope she leaves me alone. Lols some things never change.
I've always known. I hope she's finally certain, she has all the moms, grandmoms, brother, dad. Anything else, all she has to do is express her want and it's hers. Poof, it's out of my brain like it was never there. Lack of object permanence on fleek.
Now that I know we are automatically entered into a lifelong competition, it's not enough if I choose to not compete, to stay alive I do whatever I can to make it so you're on top. Defending myself against Jen's fantasy of me is deadly. Little Mermaid was my favorite out of the 3, the mutism and all. Jen was upset that Ariel was both her and my favorite. I told her I won't talk about Ariel, gave her my fork comb, only watched the movie when alone. Jen was so upset. I was punished for days by 3 women, independently, until I pulled the ribbon out of the VHS. When another started again, I presented the ribbon and they stopped being upset. That's all that matters, everyone is happy when Jen's happy. Unhappy = hunger and pain. And then that pesky, "I want mom" feeling. And then I go insane, that I-want-my-mom-feeling was unbearable like glowing iron ore embers in my eye sockets dragging down my spine and stuck at my ribs, ergo Jen must be happy.
Jen, it's a trauma response, bc of the timing of when I honed my trauma responses, I only fawn and freeze. I cannot fight, and flight makes me very ill. I like having a role and big sis is a good one, who wouldn't enjoy that? But I get it, you and Rich believe your life is bc of how I am. So as you and your family joke, "go away".
