yes, it's me

I have the kind of autism where my speech does not match my thoughts. Some individuals cannot speak at all but can say anything with communication boards and speech tablets.  They are available to everyone on Amazon for $20-$700, and Penn has custom versions for $41k.

I'm not saying my writing is so stellar it's hard to believe a normal person is behind it. I'm saying I'm so amazingly awkward irl. If awkwardness were like a beautiful singing voice or mathematical genius, I win with preternatural ability to ruin a party by my breathing and blinking.  Awkwardness isn't enough, ask someone who was born in Korea what 어색하게/어색한 looks like.

Why can't I speak like I write?   It's not that I can't talk, it's that when I'm at the dentist or doctors or work or new restaurant or anywhere else but in my bedroom in the dark with my headphones on, I am concerned with a dozen functions on par with am I speaking normally.  I'm pretty good on the phone.

Intonation, sincere but not obsessed or objective but not cold

Colloquial v formal, thug hoodlum grunts or off-putting college dropout brown female putting on snooty airs

Am I squinting and possibly emoting wtf?  I squint like if you were a map and I'm in a very boisterous place and need to focus to get to the next point ASAP in order to keep up at a minimum

Am I counting tiles or the buttons on your shirt and creeping you out or invalidating by not making eye contact?

I think I have to fart

Is my sweat obvious?  Do I look nervous, suspicious?  I'm chill.  As chill as I can be.

No one asked, but I haven't been able to get my hair cut bc I'm freaked out about having to get my car towed from the Giant/Haircuttery/CVS parking lot, it's like Hatfield Town Square.  Every time I've gotten a bang cut it was bad, and I was promised if they knew me better, come back in two weeks, then given the sort of bangs where no one believes I speak English.

I'm sorry your dad barged in on you on your off day.  Sounds like the perfect occasion to partake and get creative with cottage cheese and siete brand kettle salt and vinegar.  Throw in some kalamata and 3 blistered cherry tomatoes.  And I swear to god, fig jam or grape jelly only one chip though.   Headphones are a good idea, but I find noise cancelling headphones while with people communicate: I am in my bubble, please do not disturb, I am in pain, I may explode, which is ok but may not be what you're trying to achieve.  I wear my noise cancelling like kevlar, bc sound has the effect of weaponry on me.  I have just as conspicuous normal ear buds for when I'm with a group of people, but are received with no hostility.  The over the ear can lead to ear sweat/acne, traction alopecia, and isolation.  The noise cancelling is magic.  Sound and noise illicit my nervous system how your nervous system may to an unexpected people's elbow.  My dad is dead, and my stepdad and stepmom kicked me out after he died.  I tried living with them twice before North Wales.   I'm very annoying and I don't know how to fix it.  They found my Hatfield Apt and signed the lease before talking to me.  If I smell I have told the leaseholder I think there's a cat haunting my apt with urine.  I'm told they cannot smell anything and I'm hsp.

Your dad sounds like a goof and I think he wants to be your best friend and is on speaker to provide examples of what being his best friend might look like.  What concert?

Everything is settling in.  I actually love water flossing, the physicsl results are satisfying.  Two almost lip bites.  My natural overjet is a pain.

Came home and slammed some granola that's been ripping my mouth to shreds for a week.  Today,  I dominated all the random clusters.  A few slivered toasted almonds as well. All on milk, I'm not suicidal.

2 pears, Bosc and Bartlett, that I normally would have peeled then boiled, today I took to the face without chopping or pureeing, fuggin shark chomp, burst the skin myself glorb those so juicy.  I shoulda taken a photo of the clear teeth marks.  CSI beautiful.

Which mouthwash?

ok, I accept who I was born to be. I will erase all writing by October 31.

I thought removing the arbitrary "it's dirty, it's unbearably shameful, it must be hidden from the world" quality would help me heal my mind.  The preferred alter cannot accept there would be a need for alters. It's obvious there is a protector and child.

  When she can't rationalize the alters away, she parties; goes on benders of binge eating and meticulous purging. My binge eating is killing me, literally.

What I now understand as a "sleezy amount of dirt" was only my tip of the iceberg of context my brain required to not feel threatened by a preposterous amount of omission. I'm not looking for enough.  I require the context of everything involved before and during to draft an image of how what happened to me could have possibly happened ever.  How can I know what I'm looking for or what to disqualify?  This is my first go at this, gathering research on these topics was like digging for cobalt in Brigadoon, Homer version.  Knowing what happened afterwards is helpful when before and during are lacking.  

I will do better, I've learned with finality: asking questions is rude and insensitive.  Questioning blanks in my timeline crosses boundaries.  I was misinformed, I thought I was entitled to "therapeutic hard work" that promised growth and peace.

I'm very sorry.  It was narcissistic of me to not think about how a worthless individual's experiences are incongruous with the reputations of powerful and influential individuals.  I wish I weren't worthless, but using that black and white ledger, I am a very costly and decidedly useless item.  Thank you for my Lansdale basement, you are correct, I'm one degree from homeless.   I promise I will never write about my childhood, family, paid caregivers, and most importantly anyone powerful who relies on their reputation.  I don't know how or why, but I accept my asd makes me a social liability few can cover.

Most of my life knew of no alters, it was much more pleasant that way for the collective, I look forward to regressing.  I get that I don't get it.  I get why I must hide.  I didn't know, I will do better.

It's most important, that important people are protected. I see now, it is narcissistic of me to be unaware of the discomfort my existence may cause powerful individuals and my half siblings. My goal was not to harm your reputation, not at all. I never thought of anyone's reputation, and that is unacceptable and narcissistic. Ignorant and reckless.

Yes, i find in black and white, when it comes to kid v caregiver, it is always the wisest/wealthiest adult who chose not to act appropriately. Yet, I was raised with thick and restrictive shame placed on me when born arrogantly illegitimate, and then dramatically got myself raped by a family friend. Narcissistically, I thought to remove shame from my traumas by removing the "secretive" quality. The plan was, if my life is less traumatic, if illegitimacy was more common, then less shame and betrayal ergo less painful, leading to less avoidance, and ultimately a more cohesive and emotionally regulated sense of self. I'd lived my entire life feeling "always in trouble". I guess, shame's on a pendulum.