preemptive

Oh, they know what they did is guckrd up

And if I ever figure out self-respect and decide to share my experience 

I must be absolutely unbelievable 

No teeth

Drug dealers paid 

Dog murder

Sabstoged semesters 

Rufied

Be seen with me so people think you know me when you talk

Now I see

Please, free abortions for whoever wants one

It will be impossible for me to overcome that stories.  I won't even try.  Why can't I leave? 

WHY CANT I LEAVE O.O

Stella Paul

Wait did Stella use David the same summer Alex used Paul?  

OMG this woman, 

SO MUCH preemptive.  I might not survive learning all truths about her.

Was Stella instructed on my actual buttons? First winter break home from NY, we were supposed to take NJ transit together, plan was to meet at the station.  I waited until midnight bc I thought my ticket would expire the next day. Turns out, hrr brother picked her up.  She didn't call my cell bc it had a PA area code and she would have to pay for her long distance call on her dorm line.  So she called my dorm's 646 number from her 212.  She said.  There were no messages on my machine.

Stella also donated plasma, put her name on the donor list with my phone number bc she shared one phone with 2 roommates.  I had several parents, husbands, wives leaving vm begging me to call them back bc I was a match and could save a life.  Emailed Stella about each call.   The same mom called and left minutes long vm about her dying daughter, who did die.

Dad had been murdered that October.  The day I got the call from Jen saying Dad died, Paura Stella Heo took me to century21 then disappeared.  I couldn't leave century 21 until Stella reappeared.  Not before on the walk to century21, reminded me how Dad missed all of my graduations and birthdays.  I was agitated by his multiple unexcused absences, we were on our way to go houseware shopping, bc Steph had told Paura Stella Heo, dad was buying a brownstone in Cadman Plaza for us.

Does everyone know my buttons?  Do you guys know those are my PTSD buttons?  Buttons from like before I turned 10.  I become pliable bc I'm a 5yo who is reliving the time she almost died from punishment for existing.

Mercifully, I never buy any clothes when Stella and I go shopping.  She gets me to buy so much for her.

optics Christmas Village

So all this time, I was rumored to have abused Rich.  Why is Steph asking me to take him around the city?  Get him to the zoo, from 18th and spring garden without a car.  Take him to the xgames.  Scouts day Camden acqurium.  Opening nutcracker at phila ballet. I did it because it's Rich.  Did he do it bc he thought I asked?

Every year, he takes a good amount of time to pick out bespoke dog treats, forgot his wallet in the car, and then I pay for everything, I'm grumpy for the rest of the outing bc $100 dog treats means I'm eating Campbells straight out of the can for a month.  Every year, I save up strength for a week, recover for another, because it's a sea of people at Christmas Village.  So many many smells, competing music, traffic around Love Park, the people.  We're bundled up but our eyes so I have no idea where my body ends and yours begins.  I didn't know they said I'm his abuser.  I didn't know bc i'm not.

Steph and Rich even forced me to go to dilworth on the morning of the 25th, luckily looked like 5 years after the apocalypse, we saw not a single soul walking from 12th Street.

I don't live in fish town never have, Steph asks for a tour, I research like crazy, walk around for hours with both.  But I'm his abuser?  Please help me understand.

Whyyyyy?

if I had my wish

To heal me, I have to heal Little Me

Little won't get me a job, or a husband, or ambition

All this energy spent trying to heal Little isn't optional

Little Me needs to be not frightened for enough days in a row, so that when Monster frightens, Little proves it to herself she survives. 

For Little to heal, we don't fight, we don't scream

I say it's ok to scream when it hurts, don't clamp down like that. The only one who needs you quiet is your abuser, so she can abuse you again.

She doesn't do revenge, 

Little concluded revenge has zero benefit

Revenge with how time consuming it is, a net loss so large generations are in debt

I see now, why my warden says that's who I am, is bc that's who she intended me to be

Little Me survived 20 years of daily torture, she's bad ass

Middle Me tried drinking the Kool Aid, to do as I was told.  Siblings always blaming me for not maintaining peace.  Middle Me did exactly as she was told, for 20 years.   And there was peace, immediately after almost dying.  Over and over again, there was peace - after failing to evade the inevitable death trap, and only making out by Dear Leader saving my life at the last second.  There was much to be grateful for.  Middle Me never had to fight for our life, bc Little did it too well

.p

Little Me doesn't want to hurt, herself or anyone else. That's why we have to take her out of here.  Middle Me did the hard work, gave sis and bro limitless opportunities.  They don't want anything to do with me.

Little, Middle, Future Me begged warden to do what is non evil.  Warden, do you agree A is always evil, and B,C,D are not evil?  What do you choose.

A.

Smirk, and what are you going to do about it retard.

And that's the rub.  To their core, retards are not people, not animal with the ability to feel pain. And for me to ask for equality is an affront to their god and their science.  And I say equity is baseline.

Little Me deserves to know safety before she dies.  And that's away from here. Away from anyone who relies on exsm for their pay.  The only thing in the world, for all of Infinity, Little Me wants, is Stephanie Yang to have no access to her.

delayed processing. I dont know if Steph wants me to become independent, Stella may be a frenemy

Soon Nae's Banquet day after I moved to Point Breeze

Sunghi Gas Station Job start the week I moved to 635

Ben in need of hospice care the week before I move to 137

Jaw surgery 2 weeks after taking 4 months to move to Hatfield 

Temple Orientation day of picking up and dropping off Jen, Rich, and Steph at JFK.  (I drove to JFK 3 times in 24 hours, went to orientation from JFK)

Stella surprising me, taking the place of Steph the day I move to 840.  I hadn't heard from Stella in over a year, due to the fact she lived in Charlotte.

Stella using Dave to move the week he arrives from Sydney

Peter the Therapist stops working with me after one session with Stella

Stella showing up for my birthday with Dame

Stella taking 6 hours to get from cherry hill to Maple Glen bc she doesn't pay tolls.  Dad and I had birthday plans for the first time ever, it was the final bday before he passed

Steph says I hurt animals.  Anyone hurting animals should be maimed.  But she chose that lie, bc dogs raised me.  Anyone who actually observes dog communication knows I have the morals, manners, languages of a dog.

--------

If I had a mom, would any of these even be expected of me?  For 25 years, I thought all of the above was coincidental, love going comically wrong, I'm too retarded to ever understand.

That's why everything I want, social issue and legislatively, 

makes it so a mom can mom.  

If she has an autistic kid, her whole family won't be ostracized, looked over for job promotions, not rented to.  You can't punish her for choosing to keep her autistic kid.  At least not punish her by depriving her of the basics food, shelter, medicine.

And even if mom faces those obstacles, there are real safety nets

 (child care,

 affordable housing,

 healthcare,

 free higher education,

 the best produce on the planet (c'mon this is America), 

 birth control, 

 equity). 

 And don't you see, if for ex an apt was 1/4 of y

income of any single mothrr, housing loses most of it's power, bc good housing is so affordable, less can be weaponized against anyone.

what do autists do all day

Aside from 1 or 2 special interests with what appears to be an able body.  No relationships, no family, no job, no group sports, no church, no dog.  Some of us can't drive, use pt, text or email.

It's not that we don't like the idea of all of the above.  It's that I become so dysregulsted getting there, that my behavior is no fun and possibly kinda creepy.  Or let's say I'm in the zone, with a room full of people who set me up to hit a home run over and over again, and everything goes as planned or even better.  I'm still spent for the next month.  Like I need 3 buckets by my bed.

But for me, it's always been this way.  Actually, I leave the house an impressive amount.  There's lots of rest.  I think autism can be a disability (disability defined as: makes it impossible to support myself working).  It's a disability bc there is exponential rest requirements.

My thing was baking: chemistry, color theory (piping) , mixed media, precision, architecture in packaging, sourcing, data, acquiring and collecting pans.

But every time I am especially proud of something, everyone thinks everything I've ever made is store bought.  Then everything about me is a lie.  I didn't know anyone knew anything about me, I know nothing about everyone.  And my jam star sandwich cookies have become evidence for my lack of morals.

--------

And that's why I compare my autism to cerebral palsy.  Not in that we share accommodations, yet we inconvenience society similarly.

At Constitutional Law camp, the other kids were legacy prep kids.  If not legacy, only bc women weren't educated in your fam, but unc went here.  He was a dei, and I was a dad paid twice.  He was the best reader, citer, debater.  I couldn't speak when called upon bc I raised my hand.  He did everything everyone else did, and better than most, at Constitutional Law camp, where tuition was $4500 and r/b $3000, for 6 weeks.

But one day, we went on a promenade to the Brooklyn bridge.  Yes, 110th to Dumbo is a hike for anyone, but afterwards he had to go to the hospital for a week and the rest of camp from his room or electric wheelchair.  That promenade is like me at one of my family's banquets.  I can do it, possibly well, bc I'm used to gritting through a lot worse, but I will pay for months bc of one evening.

standard

What was my standard of love, that I could believe

Helen

Stella

Megan

Rocco

Jason

Though I didn't love them back, despite being activated and triggered, I tried to them with care bc love is precious.  But huh?  They laughed at me for believing them, therefore I deserve to be lied to, and they deserve to get paid for doing Jen's bidding.  My standard was, love doesn't feel good, it felt like a foster child.

Then there's Suzanne who wanted me at the cheapest motel for the week my apt flooded during Christmas, waited for me in the pitch black dark hail to hug me from my blind side and say, 'i love you'.  Jump scare unintentional.  Idk how, but I feel Suzanne's motel/jump scare is like tactical and the same style of Megan, Stella.

-------

I still believe in love.  I still believe love is not earned, it is precious and cherished.  I think it's perfectly fine, I refused to accept the possibility, individuals call their behavior love, in order to maintain a paycheck.  I think it's sad these individuals didn't choose fun activities, but instead orchestrated gaslighting, bc they doubted I would continue to spend time with them, within my window of tolerance.

Torturing Kindergarteners

 BC Jeb and I knew each other so little, I could quantify a lifetime of words between us.

I have never invited Jeb, bc she treats me the same as the other women in our family.  I was thrilled whenever she somehow showed up (I'm guessing Stella).  I was happy to have a person at the party, I had been told Jeb's entire life that she is the most talented beautiful person ever born, it felt nice people got to see I'm sisters with a celebrity.  At the parties, she never talked to me bc she was immediately so popular.

The year she got married, she said "isn't it interesting, you don't have to trim babies nails.  They tear off cleanly."

I'm flashbscking a flashback.  For several years, Stephen would have Jeb watch as she trimmed my nails very short bc I would cut my palms if I had any nail.  The bleeding quickly stopped within a day, but the fresh skin beneath gets infected easily, and my Hindi neighbor, mother of 4, usually in one of 3 sari, university professor would end up using an entire box of bandaids on my finger tips, that Stephen claimed we were too poor to replace.  Stephen said washing my hands and asking for a new band-aid is selfish.

That's why I'm not angry with Jeb.  Jeb doesn't know her self is not necessarily stacked with Stephen's self, and when Jeb discerns her self is ven diagrammed with her mother's self, that another section completely undiscovered and limitless awaits, Jeb needs grace and pity.

Butt Obessed

I'm not, but it's ok if you are obsessed with butts. Uh hello bbl industrial complex.  

I am obsessed with hips. Before I could read, whenever I walked with shoes, one foot in front of the other, I was told to stop swinging them like a slut.   Then they became lopsided. My pelvis/hips stopped developing due to a hip dislocation at 10.

I am obsessed with healthy hip function.

You know what is weird? My warden notifying my teachers, landlords, doctors to say I'm a juicy butt crazed perv.

And you know what is the weirdest? Grown women sticking their butt in a child's face. Women and men still shove their butts in my face.  Most recently, my ****d.ntist was having a conversation with the patient before me, and while I was sitting in the waiting room, he had the lengthy conversation with his butt so near I couldn't hold my phone in front, had to place it in my lap.  And I felt like eye level with farts, so I was taking particulate minimizing opposite of Lamaze style breaths.

which is odd as an adult, but you're a grownup sticking your obviously panty-less cheeks in a elementary school kid's face.  That's mental.  I think you're obsessed with your butt.

Friend by the Hour

 I get that they are impoverished, greedy, desperate.

Yeah, yeah: they lied, and liars are the worst.  Good riddance.

But what about I thought we were really friends.  I still miss being friends.

Blow Up Membrane

Abusers justify their abuse with tales of self-defense 

I stopped expressing myself in 1989.  She said bc I lost control I had to go to her pedophile cousin overnight.  SM definition of blow up includes her friends downstairs overhearing my cries mid strike.

In 1993, Korean Saturday School said I blew up, and Steph took me back to her cousin for a crab boil.  I don't eat most shell fish bc there's very little meat for the massive amount of effort needed to break their exoskeleton.  Sucking meat out of boba staws that are actually their forearm is not something I can deal with without vomiting from sobbing.  A crab boil that she prepped, served, and I cleaned wrong, all at The House.  Apparently I hid shells all around the house.  He said God allowed anal.

Korean School said I blew up bc the girls had been bullying me for my fupa.  I only owned 1 pair of leggings per year until 5th grade, and didn't want them to stretch out the waistband yanking them down too hard.  The bullying always happened in a bathroom stall.  From then on, I knew to run to townsquare for the bullying, so I had witnesses for my ability to stay cool, shutdown and escape into my own world no matter the number of bullies.  I very distinctly remember being told, before I went on my first retreat with hanin, the way to make new friends is to show each other your naked butts, so pull peoples towels when they're naked, just like at home.

I am affected.  Hours or days of taunting from your "mother", "grandmother", and her latest podunk friends calling me fat even before introducing themselves when I had starved myself for 3 days is a challenge.  I feel my bruises detouring tears turned inwards, Christin wants to front so bad.  Christin's anger is molten, churning my insides into acid and ash.  Steph keeps going until I'm heaving and sweating bullets, I can't look up bc angry face is a blow up.  My butt feels like it's going to fall out.  Once there's enough sweat, I begin to chill.  Enough chill and I begin to shiver.  Visible shivering is blowing up.  Containing my shiver, staying perfectly still while my cock eyed nipples and mismatched socks are yanked is usually enough.  It's like a membrane, an invisible membrane between this world and mine.  I can't point it out.  It breaks and everything gushes into this bright, sunny, breezy, quiet save for a few windy trees and birds playing, place.

Its not a full world, or dimension.  It's just vast enough for me to see where the horizon drops off bc the Earth is round.  It's never dark, hot, or wet.  Sometimes, a letter has been left for me.  I can rub my face on everything.  No one steals, where I left my items last visit is where they're found.  I can treasure here.

You could understand why I love it here.  Prefer it here.   If I need to stay on Earth, for a dogsit or dr's appt for example, I eat.

Idiot, Die Already

For two weeks I was told dad was def kidnapped, possibly murdered.

And then at the end of two weeks, a news paper told me he was strangled from behind.  It was unclear who died from gunshot and who died from smoke inhalation.

8 days before the 1 year anniversary of kidnapping, I was invited to discover on my own, Snowpea had disappeared and would never return.

The week I returned to Pace, advising was told dad didn't die and I never knew my father.  Advising was told I missed 2.5 weeks of school, 6 weeks in, for an abortion.

I thought I was still a virgin if you didn't count what happened to me before I learned to read.

-------

steph paid for Stella's place on Rittenhouse while I boarded a room in point breeze for the purpose of?