But what led up to the trigger?
Tattooed flesh
Embroidered shoe leather
Seared scaley fish
Branded hide
Chiseled into the side of a crag like Mount Rushmore
Isn't that the inconvenience with PTSD? What came before the trigger replays not as a memory from decades ago, but as it happened earlier today, outside in the Sun, on a loop.
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What sort of personality weaponizes a survivor's trigger?
Someone started the rumor that when I hear, 'i love you', it erases everything like a floppy format*. Suzanne used it only this last Christmas. Steph's sister waited for me in the pitch black sleet for Ben's bedtime walk to say "I love you". Yah, the same one that says she met me at 6 weeks old and says, "my sister made that".
Their issue is that they suddenly act normal AFTER saying 'i love you'. The relentless listing of my real failures and made up lore stops after they try to trigger. For 38 years, I loved and respected every criticism monologue as tough love, a pep talk to guide growth.
I wonder who I would be if I didn't spend most of my life healing bc they were desperate to cover up their personal shame. Is it terrible to be a FOB for 3 generations in a row? I wonder if I would be softer. Smarter. Less smelly.
I hate being bulimic, it's so expensive. When Mia first visited, I could get 20 bags of chips and cakes for $5. At the height of Mia there were 79¢ items on the $1 menu.
I love Mia, she's my longest friend. Only cigarettes usurped her. When cigarettes fled, Mia faithfully offered her services. Cigarette smoke that made my eyes water as a child, make my skin itchy if too near, was my sure sign that the hurt will stop, that I am safe for a meal - bc dad is home everyone is on their best behavior. Even if he doesn't come to find me, I know he's near.
*I do go non-verbal when I hear "I love you", it's a sign that a group taunt is imminent, to lilt and list all of the ways I am unloved. Silence is best, any engagement is a 2x-3x power-up for groups. I know bc a teacher's aid spotted the behavior on the blacktop. When I began to walk away without a bead of sweat suffered, she high-fived a 6yo me. She didn't immediately stop the bullying during recess, and her theory proved true.
Get original, why an alleged trigger I acquired at 4yo? No, please don't get original. Oh, you don't know what the newer triggers are bc your style of programming is ostentatious? Jeez-louise, dress in layers and bring high protein non salty snacks for your appointment with St. Pete.
*bc she tried to kick me out 15 min after arriving at Steph's bc my apt is flooded. Two days later, when I accepted Suzanne's offer for an extended stay suite, she ignored me for the next 10 days. Suzanne lives with Steph bc Suzanne's son committed patricide.
*words are easier than actions
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Hey Jen, is it ok if I live in my fantasy world? Can you stop sending minimum wagers to break my heart? Though they turn on you for $10/hr, unfortunately the friend making part of me stopped aging at 4yo and I love to love dreams, each time I believe they're a real friend. Each time you show up i'm losing a real friend and I believe the hours of monologues.
Can you remember you're attacking a 4yo bc you were trained to? I am the least of your worries. I told you, no one cares about protecting me. Your enemies are my protectors.
