Little One, 

this feeling in your body seeking solutions to what the adults say is problematic will ruin your life. They know they're unfair, yet they complain when life is unfair.  Your compulsion for rhythm is only found in music, not life.  The world the wise and powerful adults lay for you requires inconsistency.

A few will praise your pattern recognition bc you take exams establishing property values.  Don't get any ideas.

Outside of that, your brain is not only useless but will get you killed. Any hurt you feel now, can always get worse.  Creativity is a sin.  Critical thinking is a sin.  Change is a sin.  Dreaming is a sin.  You were born to the parents you were bc God designed you to fail so everyone else could maybe succeed.

You're not worth it, yet here's some advice:  SHUT UP YOU STUPID GIRL, you're making it worse for yourself.  Be a good girl, don't you love your family?  Do as you're told, good girl.

Love,

Big Me

freedom

What can I say when little me asks, "do we get away?  Are we safe?"

No.  It's the teeth again.  

Years of missing incisors:

3-8: all four pulled at 3yo, first tooth grew in at 6yo

15-17, three unfinished veneers for sophomore - senior

19-21:  #9 crown failed five times for sophomore - junior

32-current:  #9 at 32yo flipper snapped in half, #10, #7 snapped at 34yo, wiggler #8 pulled at 38yo.  Lefort and six implants started at 39yo.  

Today:  upper, no upper teeth four out of six crownless implants infected.  Lower, eight wigglers and five crownless implants.

We're more afraid of Stepmother and Minime than ever.  How does Stepmother compel hired goons to break my heart and body so well? She pays so little.  Endless goons = endless funds.

To keep safe, never see more than what they want.  Keep your head down and obey.  Take it without protest, if you do, it will get worse.  If you tell anyone about the abuse, you will be painted insane and no one will believe anything you say about anything ever again, and the abuse will get worse - it always gets worse.  They are developmentally typical, and they've been a team for 37 years.  Accept that you will never outrun them, you're on a track they set up with booby traps 10 years ago.  You are developmentally broken, on no team, and can't believe your own eyes bc you want to believe they love you as they ask of you.

No, we don't get away, but we do master avoiding punishment.  Be very still, say nothing, think nothing.  When it's obvious you're being set up for humiliation show no objection, and crash splendidly.  If you aren't embarrassed/embarassing to the max, the  Stephmother and her Minime will be sad.  Your brain is a useless burden, you want to accomplish nothing, and obeying is safest.  Continue loving, they'll love you back someday.

everyday since then, like it was yesterday

I was on Ikea.com, looking for countertops, this is where I ended up.

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I think it was Graco, mine in yellow liver color.  That table was an engineering feat.  It didn't come off after I had rocked side-to-side and landed on the floor with an eyeball shaking 'thud*.  Like I fell on my shoulder, the table broke our fall, and it still didn't relent?

When I'd finally permanently broken the buckle to the seatbelt, she found a solution and tied something around my hips and the back of the chair.

I used to fight my punishment like a banshee, running crying writhing upon capture, dripping huge snots i'd choke up later.  Hyperventilating as the table clicked into place.  That chase for my life left my muscles so sore the next day. Eventually, I learned to turn on my alternate universe within an instant. They didn't have to leave me in my own universe. It was a choice.  By the time I'd return of my own accord, I woke up in a dark car in a parking lot I didn't recognize.

If I ever did anything bad, she'd get my attention, look at the chair in the corner and then back at me, back at the chair, pointing with her persed lips, and back at me with overjet teeth clenched and lips curled in.  That cold lump of burning in my throat, so thick I couldn't turn my head, the sudden tinnitus so loud I rushed to hold my eyeballs from squishing out.  If I was with a cousin or dad, I'd hear them calling my name from a precipice 1000 feet above, "Sunhee.  Hey Sunheeee.  How strange.  Ok we can play again another day, bye."