Accel SAT prep wasn't traumatizing. I was ok bc my birthdays preceding were far worse. Jessica Hong's mother was indeed inappropriate, and I can imagine the event may traumatize some individuals. But to me, she never got loud, never super mean, and her grabbing me was the gentlest touch I had received in a decade. Disassociation is an adaptation i had mastered by 2yo. Nothing can reach me when I'm in my Narnia. One of my older entries honestly describes my love for situational depersonalization. The response at Accel was as if nothing happened, except for Ms. Pak and her bagel.
Whenever I brought up the Accel event, it was to give context as to why I don't hang with Asians. I had never met a non ableist Asian then, and am still waiting to meet one yet. Ableist don't want me to exist, different than murder me, ntl Asians are terrified that my autism may be blamed on my Asian physical appearance (this is not an Asian thing, it's a transplant thing. Lack of roots requires a child of immigrants carry 3-4 generations of character on her back alone). Steph likes to insist that I was traumatized by Korean adolescents to keep me quarantined from the crowd she proselytizes to.
No one saying good bye, everyone leaving while I'm in the bathroom was normalized by 4yo. Sedation was merciful, but I'd developed a tolerance. It was either leave before I fall asleep, of return after I wake. Point is, I'd already healed multiple times, from adults blaming their borderline criminal behavior on my existence and made up horror stories. Highschool proved me masterful, not a single feather ruffled - not even by the alchie Mr Pring. Then my cool non reaction to the regular goading by a grown man against a freshman made me creepy? #abusersalwayswin #damnedifi
Ms. Sample wanted a reason to stay at home with her infant, which in my book makes her awesome, but she needed a justification for not earning a living? Idk. Eventually everyone else figured the scapegoat pattern out. I was never upset by her picking on me or her unhinged accusations bc I had been through this hundreds of times, each time dad taking Steph's side as the only side - there is nothing I can do, and the hysteric knows it. I think this is why some of us feel so old in highschool. While still in diapers, we'd grown familiar to our parents stuck-in-adolescence ebbs and flows. I understand as your child i am imperfect, blaming your adult life on me seems flawed, but I guess this is the latest narrative we're basing out identity on, ok I'll be here.
Because of who dad is, I was never made fun of outside of home. Sure, I was left out, but I was respectfully well-received by whoever I approached. I come from a brown, broken, uneducated household - I felt like I was wisely not choosing to not choose from my limited options in the most pretentious of the montcos. I had received such pressure from dad to hang with Koreans. After Accel, I never talked to another Korean except for the investigating Sarah Moon, the paid pushers Jennifer Oh and Paura Stella Heo, and the sweet Donna Lee. Socializing as the daughter of my parents was like pageant life. Dull, expensive, based entirely on looks, and constant sabotage. It was obvious who Steph hired, they treated me like a pet rock with a credit card.
And similar to pageant life, anyone on the outside easily observed the Lord of the Flies quality, the idolizing luxury car at 16 arrogance of the Korean Clique was toxic. I felt blessed to have friends who had nothing to do with that life. Especially juxtaposed to Jen's impeccable hygiene and wardrobe, I think this poopooing of the status quo made me a bit of a darling amongst the veteran faculty - and they shielded me from true whippings. I know why Steph likes the idea that I was traumatized by that birthday in particular. If I was extremely hurt, then that is why I hurt my siblings. And as if my birth parents ever participated in any birthday, both dad and birth mother may completely abandon me after my 13th birthday - having never asked for my account of the event. And the veneers began. I have been waiting my entire life for life to be safe enough to begin. I don't know how to do, I only know how to wait.
I promise, what happened in front of Accel was fine. Multiple adults conspiring and condoning the ritualistic humiliation of a preteen occurred so many times before that, and when I did show pain it was dismissed. I learned that adults humiliating children on their b-day is nothing to feel over. The crying is bc I'm a crybaby. Ask anyone at Cheltenham, I cried twice a day bc I was perceived.
