I learned today, I've been a perv since before I could read
Steph would regularly pull my pants down or lift up my skirt, in front of her family, and said it's a joke.
When I did the same on a retreat, the girls ran away crying, and never talked to me again, I went home and yelled at Steph. She said she never did it to me.
Steph told me to start a secret club at school. And anyone who showed their butt could be in the club. When the girls never talked to me again, Steph said it's a Korean thing and I'm stupid for having white girls in my club.
This is when Steph told administrators I have reactive abuse disorder. Told them I lie about being raped. Steph unaware what she was admitting to. And teachers eventually proving for themselves who I really am. I went to a pretty fancy public school, they wanted the smelly girl in fob clothes from 1979 kicked out. Over and over again, they set it up to get the freak to freak out. I never freaked out. Not bc I knew what was up, but bc at home similar scenarios were explained away with love and good intent, and I was sanctioned for ignoring their loving actions.
I was obsessee with Steph not misunderstanding me. I'd go to church and ask everyone how to react when Steph loves me. Church was good for several years. Jen and Steph didn't start attending church until I was in 5th grade. There were good teachers at church until 1995.
Since the first day of school, I returned items to the lost and found. I didn't eat anyone's abandoned food. I kept my hands to myself and everyone else did the same. The rules were clear and simple at school. Absolutely no bullying allowed.
It's incredibly lucky of me to have had supportive and understanding faculty. Or is it not that special to rehab an 8 yo? Doesn't everyone give up on a kid by the time they start school?
I'm not trying to convince you if I'm crazy or not. At this point, I don't know how I wouldn't be. Everyone around me’s crazy goes wildy unchecked. What I'm saying is, i’m not safe here. Steph & gang shouldn't have to live with such a nasty creature. Give Steph & gang another source of housing and income that is not me. The women won't stop until I kill myself. I will never lose it. I don't think anyone is better at DDD (dissociation, depersonalization, derealization). And now that I know their intent is to start shit, I no longer forcd myself to stay present past the first red flag. I'm not angry, several individuals (music teachers and tutors) were committed to teaching me the skill of forgiveness, before I graduated highschool. They did not teach cello or math. They taught much theory.
But bc the abuse leads to me unable to get out of bed, nothing heals, my skin rots. Me unable to get up is their highly paid consolation prize, they'd sedate me for consecutive days, half wake me to feed me. That's why I always sat and slept on the floor with no covers.
Please, let me leave. I'm 43.
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Did I receive attention bc left at the community pool with no sandals no towel no sunblock no snack, until sunset, all summer, in the same dance leotard see through when wet bathing suit, 3 years in a row? During thunderstorms, I'd hang out with the ice cream truck driver. He didn't want me begging for change from his customers, so he gave me whatever I wanted.
I was blatantly teased few enough times I can give you first and last names. The last time I was teased, Asian Association Club on a short bus to the Philadelphia Art Museum. Hannah first cello pulls out jelly on toast, after her banana and milk, and someone scoffs at the amount of food. Hannah says, "what, my mom loves me". Which I thought was touching but a bunch of people explained to me what was really happening. I didn't know my lack of packed lunch was so famous. Her mom cut the crusts off before tossting the bread, which as it turns out is ultra delicious, and still very touching. Only a mom.
