If the abuse has no influence, and only the reaction to the abuse sums up my character - T
then is that why I was abused? Not bc I was bad stupid fat and ugly, but bc I needed to react with tears and uncivilized behaviors at a specific time and place? That's why she waited until the car ride on the way to the event to tell me how ugly my clothes are for the entire ride, and wouldn't stop berating once we arrived. She stopped berating once dad saw me, crying, again. He looked so disappointed. I think that's when I learned bathroom stall doors were sacred.
How my heart full of dental decay pounds tachycardic on behalf of little me. I wish one person could tell little me, "don't believe her words, she's not your mom." Instead, I grew up believing I had the most hardworking loving mother ever, and bc she was nearly perfect, I must try to meet her standards.
Can't do that, tg for cheesecake.
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I figured out she had always known the specifics of the abuse I survived bc, she tested me for my fabled behavior. EG, stealing furniture, pushed into a kettle, chopping off 6 inches instead of 1 inch, smells so many smells, blood found all over the house whenever I'm menstruating, accuse me of stealing gifts I had given her.
Taking all of my money.
When I responded in max fawn, she was overjoyed. I think she was relieved I'm not the clobbering female ogre as described by Stephmother. I think my biomom felt relief, pride, then vindication that I don't lose my meekness.
But at what cost. I was framed, betrayed, given 2nd degree burns, tortured for my sensory issues. I hadn't seen her since Dad's funeral. I hadn't had her to myself in 40 years. Strangers are a trigger. NYC subway system are a trigger. Yi is a trigger. I had used every shred of spirit I had to open myself up and start this quest, I used public transportation and economy class bus fare from Philly to Queens, while newly low-vision. She complained Amtrak was extravagant. Lashes from birthmother and her husband were unexpected. Dinner became peaceful once I had been pushed over the disassociation cliff, finger tips stomped, my 2yo heart wrung out.
I hope I get over this shock soon, I want to befriend her before she's gone. She came to town for a day, I never returned her call. It physically hurts too much to think of her. I hope I am strong enough one day to not feel too much pain while loving.
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If the abuse has no influence, and only the reaction to the abuse sums up my character - T
then is that why I was abused? Not bc I was bad stupid fat and ugly, but bc I needed to react in tears and uncivilized behaviors at a specific time and place?
