I'd received that look always, since birth. When i started school and teachers smiled with soft eyes bc I walk into a room, I came home and asked Steph what their faces meant, bc she made me repeat for hours "no one loves me like my mother". Steph said they were making fun of me for being fat and weird.
When I saw Bok once a year, I thought my aunt was making fun of me for being fat and weird.
Every giant party I was forced to attend in scratchy clothes around touchy strangers, when I found Dad's face he turned perpendicular to me. If I shifted into his view, he interrupted his own conversation to roll his eyes and gesture to have one of my cousins take me on a drive until I fell asleep.
My point of reference was fucked. Now, I've got flip books and posters I stare at on the toilet.
I'm very sorry.
