I thought removing the arbitrary "it's dirty, it's unbearably shameful, it must be hidden from the world" quality would help me heal my mind. The preferred alter cannot accept there would be a need for alters. It's obvious there is a protector and child.
When she can't rationalize the alters away, she parties; goes on benders of binge eating and meticulous purging. My binge eating is killing me, literally.
What I now understand as a "sleezy amount of dirt" was only my tip of the iceberg of context my brain required to not feel threatened by a preposterous amount of omission. I'm not looking for enough. I require the context of everything involved before and during to draft an image of how what happened to me could have possibly happened ever. How can I know what I'm looking for or what to disqualify? This is my first go at this, gathering research on these topics was like digging for cobalt in Brigadoon, Homer version. Knowing what happened afterwards is helpful when before and during are lacking.
I will do better, I've learned with finality: asking questions is rude and insensitive. Questioning blanks in my timeline crosses boundaries. I was misinformed, I thought I was entitled to "therapeutic hard work" that promised growth and peace.
I'm very sorry. It was narcissistic of me to not think about how a worthless individual's experiences are incongruous with the reputations of powerful and influential individuals. I wish I weren't worthless, but using that black and white ledger, I am a very costly and decidedly useless item. Thank you for my Lansdale basement, you are correct, I'm one degree from homeless. I promise I will never write about my childhood, family, paid caregivers, and most importantly anyone powerful who relies on their reputation. I don't know how or why, but I accept my asd makes me a social liability few can cover.
Most of my life knew of no alters, it was much more pleasant that way for the collective, I look forward to regressing. I get that I don't get it. I get why I must hide. I didn't know, I will do better.
It's most important, that important people are protected. I see now, it is narcissistic of me to be unaware of the discomfort my existence may cause powerful individuals and my half siblings. My goal was not to harm your reputation, not at all. I never thought of anyone's reputation, and that is unacceptable and narcissistic. Ignorant and reckless.
Yes, i find in black and white, when it comes to kid v caregiver, it is always the wisest/wealthiest adult who chose not to act appropriately. Yet, I was raised with thick and restrictive shame placed on me when born arrogantly illegitimate, and then dramatically got myself raped by a family friend. Narcissistically, I thought to remove shame from my traumas by removing the "secretive" quality. The plan was, if my life is less traumatic, if illegitimacy was more common, then less shame and betrayal ergo less painful, leading to less avoidance, and ultimately a more cohesive and emotionally regulated sense of self. I'd lived my entire life feeling "always in trouble". I guess, shame's on a pendulum.
