7th or 8th

Dad is home for the first time since we'd moved into Shalimar.  He left the country the summer we moved in bc of my incident with Jessica Hong's mother.

I usually have the house completely to myself before school.  Steph and Dad have a full spread laid out.  I'm offered to join.  Each dish I go for, it's 

"Of course you pick the most expensive.  How arrogant."

"Of course you go for fried, don't you want your siblings to be proud of you."

"There's only one of that, you should leave it."

"That's not for you."

There are no more options left.  I go to prepare my normal frozen bagel.  "What's wrong, our food isn't good enough for you?"

I roll into myself so hard I think my neck will snap.  Steph is open mouthed laughing.  Dad has a blank look, like always.  I stomp off.  By the time I come to, I'm halfway down Welsh Road to the Willow Grove Mall.  I don't remember how I got to Sandy Run.  I cry all morning until I buy 3 ice cream for lunch.

The next day, Ms. Schwabenland pulls me aside and says, "we were all worried about you.  Your mother called frantic and crying, saying you attacked, then ran away and she couldn't find you."

30 fucking years.  Took me 30 fucking years to grasp what was set up.  I was 12-14.  She was 36.  Fast forward to today, luckily I haven't eaten in two days.  I'm being forced to live with her for 6months bc she needs my rent money for something.  Idk what yet.  I want to feel safe.  I want to feel free.  Will it ever happen?

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To be clear I didn't even say anything beyond "hi dad". i have been struck in private, publicly, ceremoniously, without warning nor explanation.  All of them made the first five layers of my body go completely numb, like armor.  But the armor also trapped my insides.  I was trained to take beatings silently, so I think that made my abuset believe it didn't hurt.  I also had screams and tears that built dangerous psi.

Anyways, I think Steph still believes physical assault is common so it's nbd to accuse others of it.  Like no good, but not unacceptable.

i am punished for

Steph being caught torturing me, so they took Jen away

That my mother is my uncle's bm

I wasn't as retarded as Steph told everyone I am and needed to be tied to a chair for 5 years

BC without me helplessness Steph, John, Soon, Suzanne have no where to live but Tabor Road

How I'd rejoice for a safe apartment on Tabor Road, free of stepmothers, lead, and mold.

what secrets do I know

That I deserve this?  What do I know that can bring it all crumbling down?  Why did Jen say she was my best friend for 30 years?

I know I must be below Jen, that's the first reason I've always lifted her up.  She has always twisted truth so severely that she is the reason I believe in real magic.  I'm still waiting to move past my 1988 hopes and dreams.

I won't kill myself bc of her, bc her power and rudeness doesn't change bc I'm dead.  I am not good and I am not bad.  I am a nothing.  I barely leave my bed, allmost never my room.  What is the poison that causes a woman who has always had everything, to make up such horrific tales?  Then to ask vigilante to apply the horrors to an idiot that hasn't figured out to leave her bed, not yet in 43 years?  Not a good plan.  A good plan to create enemies.  Jen's enemies keep me safe.

I do want to know how to help heal her heart.  How do you trick your retarded big sister into hating the world?  That's a special skill, to push a retard to suicide - one of those skills difficult to control.  Jen already has one child, what if she has more?  Shouldn't we try to save them from hurting like she does?  I hope Jen understands the hell she lives in, she keeps alive.  Truth, no matter how inconvenient, is no where near as punishable as lies made up purely to distract and humiliate.  I'm telling you again, your enemies keep me safe.  No one cares about my safety.

my life is forever ruined

BC your 12th birthday was the first birthday since your 6th I was invited to.

BC no one expected you to go to college.

BC your mother boasted how beautiful you are only in comparison to how unfair life was for me.

K.  What can one expect of you, never having the opportunity to learn is the blessing.  If you were me, would you have stuck around for that?  I loved you, each sandwich star taking 3 days you called store-bought.

Stop chasing me.  There is no one on Earth past and future who hates me more than you.  You were the garbage can therapist to 3 miserable women.  Stop fillowing me.  Why am I living rent-free?  Is it bc she knows what she did to me?  Can't control me so she'll control what everyone thinks of me.  Ok cool.  Hate, yes.  Forget me, don't look for me. 100% of the times you convinced me with FOG, I die.  Why would you beg me to come and then you say all night 'why is she here?'. Makes no sense.  Leave my brain alone.  Enough.

gaslighting

The following are all Steph hires

Not all Steph hires are listed

There're 2 others, but they're not meaningful players, the block's incel as it were (would anyone meaningful, of sound mind, see me as a moosehead to hang?) Darn the kungfu geisha corn laundress mold I can't fill. Or fill 3 times with my eating disorder.

Via the family plan phone log, Steph lied to J.Salisbury, former instructor at a school for the blind, l I'm a child abuser.  He and I never met.  First activity was attending a zoom seminar on "racism within the blind community".  BC Justin was paid by the quarter hour each time we were on the phone, when he became stalkery, crossing boundaries then gaslighting me about crossing boundaries, I cut him off like I do: excising judo chop! poof!  I'm a ghost.  You are a gaslighting monster, I'm a ghost, and you never existed.  No, you don't get a warning.  Gaslighting is assault.  Police!  He and I never met IRL, I tried to meet at the raised railway.  J refused, he had only arrived in Philly during covid, led out of Hawaii.

I have learned to share my hair-trigger of yelling, as soon as possible. Raise your voice once, you get a "you're yelling".  Raise your voice a second time? No finesse no ego cupping - zero explanation bc I've dissociated to keep my OCD at bay.  

How many times do you think I've been trapped on the highway with the driver screaming about what a fat weirdo I am for the full 90min.  Yell again, and you've been zeroed, disappeared.  Rich "lost" $6k then yelled.  Haven't talked to him in over a year.  I miss him, but my PTSD won't allow contact.  I'm working on accepting that there are individuals who intentionally use triggers.

Dave, who is best poised to defend me against the rumors, with first-hand evidence, rather has chosen to pile onto Justin.  Dave blames me for outing himself as a 1950's style racist.   Idk, the social choreo behind it, but I've seen the cause and effect my entire life: someone uses Steph's lies about me as a demon child to paint themselves as the normal one.  It's not necessarily about making me look bad, putting me in a terrible light is necessary for them to convince you they're very good.  Then the 2nd to last person who was put in this very anti dei position by Steph's intek, transfers their shame onto Dave.

The thing with Dave, the isming for someone his demo wasn't so bad.  Not progressive, but not a dinosaur, very inline with MAGA.  What gets the ick, he used me exactly for 1 year.  His campaign against me started on Day 1.  We know bc he didn't hide his election cycle based timeline.  What I didn't know until a decade later, Dave had lost his career of 15 years and left with several scarlet letters on his back, a few months before he and I met.  For such a formerly powerful individual to use a nobody like me was kinda tragic and desperate.  [Un]Luckily, a Midwest barbie had just pulled the same con reliant on the same 1954 stereotype, and so did a Cowboys fan from Chester.  All 3 said they loved me.  10-15 years later, 1 year after I figure out who Steph is: why did they use me? How could they reasonably expect to get away with lying to many individuals (mail man, grocer, neighbor, best friend, coworker, church member, doctor)?  Common denominator reveals herself.

Unlike Midwest Barbie and Cowboy who moved on, and left me with polite open invitations, J and Dave doubled down.  To them, as an Asian female college dropout, nearly 30yo and nearly 40yo, I am an individual deserving to be used.  To reject him is unforgivable, and obviously requires correction.

So yah, I'm a legendary ice cream eating child abuser and I see no way of fixing this lie.  I can provide my federal and state clearances, but the rumor followed me to a rainforest in Costa Rica (via only one possibility, p.s. she made out with Chuck)!  

Don't get me wrong, they've won.  In 10 days I'm homeless, 6 teeth, lipedema, lymphedema, a1c of 14, ckd2, zero savings.  Without my antibiotics from overseas, my titanium plates and I go into septic shakes.  My life continues to decline, I'll never be in a position to adopt a dog.  

And I'll continue pointing out the truth until my last breath.  It's a trauma response.  No matter how inconvenient the truth is, it's miles better than lying to or about the most vulnerable.

The real reason is obvious why, when the powerful paint those beneath them, poorly.  It's a given the needy would be on their absolutely best, albeit unpolished, behavior when offered an invitation into a finer world.  Everyone knows, as a marginalized individual, I only get to keep my honor by giving up opportunity to earn a dollar - bc that's all I have in the world.  I can sell off no house, no jewel, no standing, no family.  I only have what I alone know I have bc I chose poverty.

Born-into-wealth is held to a unique set of standards.  Access granted by ancestors selling souls. #realrecognize

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I do wish I had been given away to a group home

Or better yet given up for adoption upon birth - less unrecouped expense ill never pay back.

I understand there may be less opportunities for stability in, for example, foster care, than in my basement. In state care, there's a lack of predictability.  A stranger that's not your parent has the omnipotence of a god over when I sleep/eat/poop.  A stranger only gets paid if I never get well.  A stranger pockets whatever isn't spent on my food, clothes, school supplies, doctor's fees, extra curricular tuition.

But I would have known.  I would have known my gut is correct.  I would have known I'm not imagining things.  I would have never assigned those behaviors as loving.  Maybe in foster care, or a group home, I would have received no love no modeling no guidance.  But I wouldn't have been convinced that I was loved.  Punished when I doubted their motherhood.  Convinced I was spoiled rotten.  BC an optionless lying ex stepmother coerced everyone into believing so.

I didn't abuse my brother.  I never did anything to Jen, despite her boasting what she is allowed to do to me.  I barely ever saw my siblings pre college.  Only 5 years after dad died did either reach out.  Being a good big sister was my only source of pride, or should I say my final rubbery band of a sinew of an identity.  That was a farse too.  Each time I dropped my life for their's, it was a game to them.  I'll forever act as a big sis, bc Yi did praise me regularly for that.  Rich and Jen will forever be my final heartbreak.

I know now.

I will never look back.

They lied to keep me

Then lied and said they can't get rid of me

I can't unsee their trajectory, the idea that they will be in the same house as I, suffocates me in doom.

I know now, I was only ever a meal ticket passed around.  It doesn't feel good, but it feels better than anything I've known yet.

They'll never have access to me again.  

Or so I labor for.

Jen and Seb still read my emails and review my bank accounts.  Why do they think they have the right?  Even if i'm not as human as they, with a brain like a dented can on clearance, why does my limitless half sister and her bd have a right to my emails and purchases?  

I can't understand jealousy or envy, bc I stop wanting as soon as someone else wants it (even vegetables and prizes).  Tell Jen I've never been jealous of her, I don't think anyone is.  She can relax, not be so on guard, most people are happy with what they have and find competition useless.  Jen, check your sources.