JMurn - why I should be allowed to leave #1

You've got to hand it to Jen.  The Christian Street apt, then getting me into 3rd at Christian and working with Shareiff.  Then Shareiff meeting Jack and I at the Chinatown bus in my 2000 Camry.  Or Jack meeting Shareiff, 2000 Camry, and I at the Chinatown bus.  Steph inviting Shar and me to Hmart food court, at lunch time, center table?  I was so happy she invited me, I didn't question why was Shareiff coming.  

I can't accept that all of this is just for fun.  Because those first 3 years back in Philly were the scariest, I would be dead if not for Amy.  I was drugged at least 5 times, like by a group of people.  Professional photographers were on standby to post everything on Facebook.

Jen met Shareiff, and boy did Shar run with it.  Shareiff arranged Ally and Roscoe, and Rob.  Stella for every birthday since 1 year before dad died.  Rob almost killed me.  Only bc I had been sedated regularly as a preteen did I make it out of that apartment.  Legit, my capacity was like Wolf of Wall Street Lemons.  Rob passed out taking bites out of my arm, and I couldn't feel my skin hanging off as I army crawled out of that apartment.  I rolled across the lobby and the can driver threw me in like a rug.  No one shames anyone coming from the penthouse.

Jen must believe I betrayed her.  I have never. I really need people to know betrayal is exceptional, abnormal, cancerous.  Like it's massive effort to betray, no effort to not betray.  (I do understand that social capital is used to blackmail individuals into taking actions they normally would not aka "just following orders".  And you were rewarded for following orders. Hence Blacksheep.)

I think she's since discovered it wasn't me, there's a lot of people who want to hurt her.  but she behaved based on bad Intel, she's already talked and done such craziness there's no back pedaling.  Idk, I can't be mad at her.   It's my programming, she is a god.  Like I didn't know when I was a kid, but by 7th grade and learning about geek and roman mythology, I was convinced Jen was a god in hiding.  I just hope she leaves me alone.  Lols some things never change.

I've always known.  I hope she's finally certain, she has all the moms, grandmoms, brother, dad.  Anything else, all she has to do is express her want and it's hers.  Poof, it's out of my brain like it was never there.  Lack of object permanence on fleek.  I was conditioned out of ever even looking at something of hers.  Touching her stuff is why I'm burned.  

Now that I know we are automatically entered into a lifelong competition, it's not enough if I choose to not compete, to stay alive I do whatever I can to make it so you're on top.  Defending myself against Jen's fantasy of me is deadly.  Little Mermaid was my favorite out of the 3, the mutism and all.  Jen was upset that Ariel was both her and my favorite.  I told her I won't talk about Ariel, gave her my fork comb, only watched the movie when alone.  Jen was so upset.  I was punished for days by 3 women, independently, until I pulled the ribbon out of the VHS.  When another started again, I presented the ribbon and they stopped being upset.  That's all that matters, everyone is happy when Jen's happy.  Unhappy = hunger and pain.  And then that pesky, "I want mom" feeling.  And then I go insane, that I-want-my-mom-feeling was unbearable like glowing iron ore embers in my eye sockets dragging down my spine and stuck at my ribs, ergo Jen must be happy.  In 41 years, i've been asked for my side of the story once, and I was punished for sharing.

Jen, it's a trauma response, bc of the timing of when I honed my responses, I only fawn and freeze.  I cannot fight, and flight makes me very ill.  I like having a role and big sis is a good one, who wouldn't enjoy that?  But I finally get it, you and Rich believe your life is bc of how I am.  So as you and your family joke, "go away".

holding cups of pee in the car

Why I should leave #767

When I was in 6th grade, and xsm had me hold a 20oz cup for R to pee into, with JKo, RKo, and their mom in the car, was it worth mentioning I thought it was normal for toddlers to pee in the car?

At the time though, ilook away, replace the lid, hold it until I throw it out so Steph doesn't trick Jen into drinking it again. No harm. Zero harm. No foul. 

It's not like Jen and Rich were in on it at such a young age. 

I think autism saved my life, and love my autism, bc I don't know or care when I'm being humiliated. It's not emotional maturity, I am unable to understand the value of this interaction. I do clock bullying and the tone of voice I'm-humiliating-you-for-the-benenefit-of-the-group. It is their way of saying "go away". 

Supports Coordinator was something I went back to school for, 4 years ago. Then it kept coming up in group that predators become social workers, and then my OVR counselor began to gaslight and triangulate so I dropped out from dissociation.

how could an adult

At the start of the school year, as I pass a former teacher standing with this year's, they'd say, "hell hath no fury".

Then when my "mom" would sabatoge my events, which unfortunately meant sabatoging several people bc I was only one in a team of many, I'd say "oh my mom knows someone for that", they'd say nevermind. I'd still ask, bc lots of other moms helped out.

It was when I started to live with a boyfriend, he's the first person to say, "your mom hates you bc there's something that reminds her of your father".

"No, she loved him a lot.  And my dad and I are polar opposites.  And how would you know if I'm like my dad, he died 12 years before we met."

Throughout all of this, I believed Steph was my mom and loving and perfect and what makes me retarded is that I just don't get how it's all my fault.

But I see what she is doing to Benjamin.  Not bc I'm doing anything wrong, but bc I won't go into my dussasocitve fugue no matter the betrayal, she punishes Benjamin bc he is my joy.  No food, no sweater, no bed, no healthcare, no walks, no grooming.

She likes to chant "my Chinese boyfriend, my Chinese boyfriend in highschool" and this time, when I said, who are you talking about Ty or Jae?  The fear I saw surgey behind her eyes was nothing I'd ever seen befoee, the fear made me wonder what I had done to cause her to clutch the wall.

I knew how Ty would end.  Just like every romantic interest since then.   But I thought I was cursed, I never suspected my mom and sister.  

The clarity is rewarding.  The clarity is negative space and it feels luxurious and strong, like a marble great hall.  It's become obvious to me it's obvious to others Steph and Gang want me to kill myself.  Uniquely and satisfyingly validating in it's terrifying truth.  But it's exhausting.  She has no low.  She won't stop until I'm in the hospital for something preventable and fatal if left untreated.

Instead, I'd like to be a person please.