Then when my "mom" would sabatoge my events, which unfortunately meant sabatoging several people bc I was only one in a team of many, I'd say "oh my mom knows someone for that", they'd say nevermind. I'd still ask, bc lots of other moms helped out.
It was when I started to live with a boyfriend, he's the first person to say, "your mom hates you bc there's something that reminds her of your father".
"No, she loved him a lot. And my dad and I are polar opposites. And how would you know if I'm like my dad, he died 12 years before we met."
Throughout all of this, I believed Steph was my mom and loving and perfect and what makes me retarded is that I just don't get how it's all my fault.
But I see what she is doing to Benjamin. Not bc I'm doing anything wrong, but bc I won't go into my dussasocitve fugue no matter the betrayal, she punishes Benjamin bc he is my joy. No food, no sweater, no bed, no healthcare, no walks, no grooming.
She likes to chant "my Chinese boyfriend, my Chinese boyfriend in highschool" and this time, when I said, who are you talking about Ty or Jae? The fear I saw surgey behind her eyes was nothing I'd ever seen befoee, the fear made me wonder what I had done to cause her to clutch the wall.
I knew how Ty would end. Just like every romantic interest since then. But I thought I was cursed, I never suspected my mom and sister.
The clarity is rewarding. The clarity is negative space and it feels luxurious and strong, like a marble great hall. It's become obvious to me it's obvious to others Steph and Gang want me to kill myself. Uniquely and satisfyingly validating in it's terrifying truth. But it's exhausting. She has no low. She won't stop until I'm in the hospital for something preventable and fatal if left untreated.
Instead, I'd like to be a person please.
