Jen's Abuse

It's difficult to separate Jen from Steph, Jen from Yi.  It's not about forgiving, it's about learning how to read people, learning how to keep myself safe.  There're sadists, then there are sadists who raised Jen to blame the rain on me.

Jen would warn me about Stella.  Well, everyone warned me about Stella - Asian Caucasian teachers classmates fathers David Amy.  And Stella would warn me of Jen's anger.  I'd laugh at both and say there's nothing to worry about.

Richard's Seizures

I woke up this AM, two memories flashing like when Jen downloaded the buddy virus.

1.  Steph saying Rich choked on Korean BBQ in the bath, and began seizing.  He was 13mo.

2.  Dad saying someone hid his car keys, delaying their departure for the emergency room.

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Did Steph accuse me of hiding the keys?  A 1yo nearly drowns, so she frames a 9yo for infanticide?  Is perfectionism that severe that a seizure needs guilt and blame?  I know Steph was doubted, but so was I.  Who would I be if I had known Steph was lying about being my mom for a paycheck.  Who would I be if I weren't responsible for ruining their lives of a dozen adults upon my conception?  What if dad married Suzanne.

Stephanie said my childhood seizures were for attention.  Then she caused a 1yo to have 3 within 3 days.  Are Rich and I that worthless?  Why, bc of who are parents are?

Please don't make me move to Gwynmont.  I will die.  I will die.  Check the call log.  Please.  I will die.  After 6 years of diabetes management, and mold and parasite cleanses, there has finally been a break in the brain fog.  Like literally last week was the first two consecutive days without a nap, since I can remember.  Only last year, I finally stopped sweating buckets of putrid sweat.

Check the call logs, please.  I don't need anyone punished.  I just want to live.  That's it.  I want to live without always prepared for her to break down my door.  I've tried, I can't stop, each time she promises then denies, I feel in my bones she will break down my door and beat me awake with a Polly Pocket shoe.  I've had a go-bag since 1st grade.  I developed freeze at 3yo.  My survival skills peaked at 3yo.  Not my left brain, my librarians and teachers were Cinderella too.  But my lizard brain, peaked at 3yo, freeze is the best I can do, please squash me with your fancy shoe.  I don't need more opportunity to disassociate, I want to live as me.

I no longer expect or allow any man or woman to be my person.  I believe love is real, intellectually.  My body says love is a booby trap.  100% of the men who had sex with my body lied until I said no more then the truth changed and I was called crazy.  It's like me and the dentist. I know I need the skills of dentist, I know I need a person but there was too much pain while my brain still formed.  How Steph sat in the room and held me down as I cried and tried to stay quiet, and I still couldn't chew.  My body won't let me.  I have to eat myself into oblivion after each appointment to come back to Earth.

The infected titanium continues to eat away.  It won't be much longer.  Please, check the call logs.  I need to go far far away, deep enough, that the animals of the forrest let me know ahead for a day a car is approaching.  

when she was 40, I was 15

I had no one ever tell me I didn't deserve it.  Steph would hurt me, tell me it never happened.  Dad called me a liar.

It wasn't until #metoo, when I had become an adult and imagined hurting children, I couldn't.  I think it's genetic.  Yi never laid a finger on me.  Soon threw me down the stairs by my ponytail.

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This is as dad officially introduced his new wife 

BC of Jessica Hong's mother's post shame fueled campaign, and Steph being 3 hours late, "mom please, she won't leave me alone, where are you?"

"WORK!!!!!!!  WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, LEAVE THE GAS STATION?!!!!!"

She screamed so loudly, her voice shrilling through the phone silenced the entire after school crowd waiting for their rides.  So I didn't call after the 2nd time.  I never called Steph again.

I disassociated from 07/28/97 to 2018.  Not bc of 1997.  BC Steph beat and screamed on a schedule.  I was missing incisors with half finished veneers from 1998-2001.  Then 2003-2006.  

BC she stopped paying rent every November.  BC she called the police.  

For 20 years my eating disorder and untreated MODY basically left me with Alzheimer's.  Living over a decade in a 250sqft apartment where each winter I broke a shopvac on mice poop.  I'm finally clearing up the parasites and on insulin.  But with one eye and ckd at ii.  It doesn't matter, knowing she lied all this time, kept me unwell to keep getting paid ... I feel so free.  Finally, something makes sense.

And now I have to live with her.  BC she wants to steal my furniture.  At least I know I won't die.  At least now I know she needs me alive to get paid.

I'm 41.  I'm sure it's genetic.

May I heal?  May I cut her off?  I want to go far far away, where no one can find me.  I know it followed me to Costa Rica.  Stella sent me there.  Steph knew about the cook from Madrid, how?  I'll keep going further where even Stella's ableism can't reach.  I deserve to know a life that has nothing to do with my birth.

I know I'm supposed to feel the shackles of marriage to fully understand your behavior.  You are a man.  No one condemns you to rapable bc you smoke cigarettes.

if I die, my one wish

is that Steph was never pulled out of school.  She graduates and never feels her life was stolen.

separate but equal

Is it possible Steph taught Jen and I different stuff?  Like how to dress and table manners?  Jen wouldn't let her do that, right?

let me go

I see there is no goal

But to feel needed

She breaks minds 

Poisons to death

Breaks children's hearts

Father's hearts

Siblings apart 

So nothing can happen without her

But she's so useless bc everything is about keeping everyone down

And we must be less than her

I'm the foundling retard idk how to get any lower

Please let me go and never let her know where I am

Amy's Care

In the last 6mo, I learned one of Steph's favorite topics is what a bad dogmom I am.

The amount of straight up shouting I endured if the concept of helping with Amy's vet bills came up.  Then why don't you put her to sleep if you can't take care of her.  Steph already put one of my dogs down without my consent.  It's the screaming, it's my kryptonite.

I thought Steph screamed bc she felt guilty she couldn't help more.

I tried to earn and keep a job. By the time I worked at Petco, every local vet said Amy is fine.

Why aren't I allowed to leave?  Why did Steph and Jen call my schools, church, employer's, landlord's, partners?  Why won't they let me leave?

withholding advice

Every once in a while, the subjects of this blog will check-in and see if I'll still offer the same recipe, suggestion, diy I offered before I blogged the truth.

Of course the instructions to the cost-cutting diy remains the same.  Why would my knowing what they did to humiliate me change the procedure to a science experiment?

It hit me just now, that they hoard knowledge like they own it.  Like they are able to judge who "deserves" to know how to get through life.  

Incredible.  Idk, I feel info is given freely.  I feel useful nuggets were placed conveniently for me to pick up as I please.  It's not paying it forward, it's the nature of knowledge, it belongs to no one.  Who knows what unseen developments wait to be discovered.  What if I was too lazy to speak and I didn't share something not so important to me, but was the final piece to their puzzle?  

Facts are facts, no matter what shitty thing you or i did.  Scapegoating is maddening and misleading, it's such a waste of time and energy.   I know someone who's been in touch with SM/Minime has been told I don't offer advice.  It's cool, I hit it out of the park bc the bar is set so low.  It's sad though, to understand bit by bit why the two women most important to me did their own grave.  Like, how do you backpedal out of that?  I didn't know they were so defensive and felt everything was that scarve.  Like, even the US now is pretty ghetto, but it's not that scarce.  We do have the WWW.  Sigh.  I hope they release this anxiety some day.  It's not a trauma response, Jen never experienced going without, and Steph has expensed everything to me my whole life.