JMurn - why I should be allowed to leave #1

You've got to hand it to Jen.  The Christian Street apt, then getting me into 3rd at Christian and working with Shareiff.  Then Shareiff meeting Jack and I at the Chinatown bus in my 2000 Camry.  Or Jack meeting Shareiff, 2000 Camry, and I at the Chinatown bus.  Steph inviting Shar and me to Hmart food court, at lunch time, center table?  I was so happy she invited me, I didn't question why was Shareiff coming.  

I can't accept that all of this is just for fun.  Because those first 3 years back in Philly were the scariest, I would be dead if not for Amy.  I was drugged at least 5 times, like by a group of people.  Professional photographers were on standby to post everything on Facebook.

Jen met Shareiff, and boy did Shar run with it.  Shareiff arranged Ally and Roscoe, and Rob.  Stella for every birthday since 1 year before dad died.  Rob almost killed me.  Only bc I had been sedated regularly as a preteen did I make it out of that apartment.  Legit, my capacity was like Wolf of Wall Street Lemons.  Rob passed out taking bites out of my arm, and I couldn't feel my skin hanging off as I army crawled out of that apartment.  I rolled across the lobby and the can driver threw me in like a rug.

Jen must believe I betrayed her.  I have never. I really need people to know betrayal is exceptional, abnormal, cancerous.  Like it's massive effort to betray, no effort to not betray.  (I do understand that social capital is used to blackmail individuals into taking actions they normally would not aka "just following orders".  And you were rewarded for following orders. Hence Blacksheep.)

I think she's since discovered it wasn't me, there's a lot of people who want to hurt her.  but she behaved based on bad Intel, she's already talked and done such craziness there's no back pedaling.  Idk, I can't be mad at her.   It's my programming, she is a god.  Like I didn't know when I was a kid, but by 7th grade and learning about geek and roman mythology, I was convinced Jen was a god in hiding.  I just hope she leaves me alone.  Lols some things never change.

I've always known.  I hope she's finally certain, she has all the moms, grandmoms, brother, dad.  Anything else, all she has to do is express her want and it's hers.  Poof, it's out of my brain like it was never there.  Lack of object permanence on fleek.  I was conditioned out of ever even looking at something of hers.  Touching her stuff is why I'm burned.  

Now that I know we are automatically entered into a lifelong competition, it's not enough if I choose to not compete, to stay alive I do whatever I can to make it so you're on top.  Defending myself against Jen's fantasy of me is deadly.  Little Mermaid was my favorite out of the 3, the mutism and all.  Jen was upset that Ariel was both her and my favorite.  I told her I won't talk about Ariel, gave her my fork comb, only watched the movie when alone.  Jen was so upset.  I was punished for days by 3 women, independently, until I pulled the ribbon out of the VHS.  When another started again, I presented the ribbon and they stopped being upset.  That's all that matters, everyone is happy when Jen's happy.  Unhappy = hunger and pain.  And then that pesky, "I want mom" feeling.  And then I go insane, that I-want-my-mom-feeling was unbearable like glowing iron ore embers in my eye sockets dragging down my spine and stuck at my ribs, ergo Jen must be happy.  In 41 years, i've been asked for my side of the story once, and I was punished for sharing.

Jen, it's a trauma response, bc of the timing of when I honed my responses, I only fawn and freeze.  I cannot fight, and flight makes me very ill.  I like having a role and big sis is a good one, who wouldn't enjoy that?  But I finally get it, you and Rich believe your life is bc of how I am.  So as you and your family joke, "go away".

holding cups of pee in the car

Why I should leave #767

When I was in 6th grade, and xsm had me hold a 20oz cup for R to pee into, with JKo, RKo, and their mom in the car, was it worth mentioning I thought it was normal for toddlers to pee in the car?

At the time though, ilook away, replace the lid, hold it until I throw it out so Steph doesn't trick Jen into drinking it again. No harm. Zero harm. No foul. 

It's not like Jen and Rich were in on it at such a young age. 

I think autism saved my life, and love my autism, bc I don't know or care when I'm being humiliated. It's not emotional maturity, I am unable to understand the value of this interaction. I do clock bullying and the tone of voice I'm-humiliating-you-for-the-benenefit-of-the-group. It is their way of saying "go away". 

Supports Coordinator was something I went back to school for, 4 years ago. Then it kept coming up in group that predators become social workers, and then my OVR counselor began to gaslight and triangulate so I dropped out from dissociation.

how could an adult

At the start of the school year, as I pass a former teacher standing with this year's, they'd say, "hell hath no fury".

Then when my "mom" would sabatoge my events, which unfortunately meant sabatoging several people bc I was only one in a team of many, I'd say "oh my mom knows someone for that", they'd say nevermind. I'd still ask, bc lots of other moms helped out.

It was when I started to live with a boyfriend, he's the first person to say, "your mom hates you bc there's something that reminds her of your father".

"No, she loved him a lot.  And my dad and I are polar opposites.  And how would you know if I'm like my dad, he died 12 years before we met."

Throughout all of this, I believed Steph was my mom and loving and perfect and what makes me retarded is that I just don't get how it's all my fault.

But I see what she is doing to Benjamin.  Not bc I'm doing anything wrong, but bc I won't go into my dussasocitve fugue no matter the betrayal, she punishes Benjamin bc he is my joy.  No food, no sweater, no bed, no healthcare, no walks, no grooming.

She likes to chant "my Chinese boyfriend, my Chinese boyfriend in highschool" and this time, when I said, who are you talking about Ty or Jae?  The fear I saw surgey behind her eyes was nothing I'd ever seen befoee, the fear made me wonder what I had done to cause her to clutch the wall.

I knew how Ty would end.  Just like every romantic interest since then.   But I thought I was cursed, I never suspected my mom and sister.  

The clarity is rewarding.  The clarity is negative space and it feels luxurious and strong, like a marble great hall.  It's become obvious to me it's obvious to others Steph and Gang want me to kill myself.  Uniquely and satisfyingly validating in it's terrifying truth.  But it's exhausting.  She has no low.  She won't stop until I'm in the hospital for something preventable and fatal if left untreated.

Instead, I'd like to be a person please.

Adams Run

On the first day of 7th grade, first day of Upper Dublin dublin, social studies teacher stands at the front of the class and says, "welcome! what a great looking class. Well, except for that one, she looks like trouble."

I've always been under a microscope.  It made me feel crazy, like there were cameras everywhere.  Until a hotel employee told me that cameras keep the bad guys away, and prove good guys good.  I found not everyone cares to check the tape, and the safest move is to do nothing ever.

My first grade teacher was very strict with me, and made me sit facing the corner, all day.  I never had a pencil and never a bandaid.  She didn't want me to touch anyone else's ztuff.

I started in the Spring, bc our Hilldale neighbors reported me to cps, so they were forced to send me to school.  After only a few days in the corner, one day, several parents show up unannounced, started arguing with the teacher.  A few students pointed to my desk facing the walls.  

Then, we had a substitute for a bunch of days in a row.  The principal visits to say our class would be divided into the other first grade classes, bc our teacher had permanently lost her voice yelling at Christine for misbehaving.

First graders being first graders began to raise their hand and say, the teacher had never yelled, at anyone.  Our teacher returns, our class is kept united.  I sit in a deskless chair in the center of class, alone.

Steph begins to teach me our street address in Adams Run, every night I have to repeat it over and over again.  As I nod off she screams me awake, "repeat after me!"

I still don't know how to read, but I had gotten myself lost myself at Sam's Club until closing, so she said I need to know our address when I get lost again.

During rug time, classmates ask why I'm late every morning.  They have to wait for me to arrive to start activities.  I say I used to walk to school, but we moved far away to an apartment with a lot of traffic.  Teacher asks where I live.  I tell her Adams Run.  Adams Run is on the Philly side between Rising Sun and Melrose.

We move to Boncouer.  Steph screams for what seems like years, "I thought I had been followed!  I was so scared!  But that little gijibae told her school where we live bc she didn't want to sleep on the apartment floor!"

yi's funeral

No one wanted me there

I did not want to go.  Lots of people.  Korean Catholic church.

I didn't know Bok was my mother at the time, she didn't say one word

Why did Steph say I had to go for Jen?

Why wasn't I allowed to leave after the viewing?  Why did I have to stay 5 days?

Yi smothered an infant and blamed it on me.

I find out 15 years later, Jen says I abused her, her entire life.

Why, Steph, why?  You should have stayed for Jen.  I don't do well under such extreme stress.  I zone out.  Jen needed you, not me.

Will you ever turn the family business over?

I want to go now

I’m not safe

I learned today, I've been a perv since before I could read 

Steph would regularly pull my pants down or lift up my skirt, in front of her family, and said it's a joke.

When I did the same on a retreat, the girls ran away crying, and never talked to me again, I went home and yelled at Steph. She said she never did it to me.

Steph told me to start a secret club at school. And anyone who showed their butt could be in the club. When the girls never talked to me again, Steph said it's a Korean thing and I'm stupid for having white girls in my club.

This is when Steph told administrators I have reactive abuse disorder.  Told them I lie about being raped.  Steph unaware what she was admitting to.  And teachers eventually proving for themselves who I really am. I went to a pretty fancy public school, they wanted the smelly girl in fob clothes from 1979 kicked out. Over and over again, they set it up to get the freak to freak out. I never freaked out.  Not bc I knew what was up, but bc at home similar scenarios were explained away with love and good intent, and I was sanctioned for ignoring their loving actions.

I was obsessee with Steph not misunderstanding me.  I'd go to church and ask everyone how to react when Steph loves me.  Church was good for several years.  Jen and Steph didn't start attending church until I was in 5th grade.   There were good teachers at church until 1995.  

Since the first day of school, I returned items to the lost and found. I didn't eat anyone's abandoned food.  I kept my hands to myself and everyone else did the same.  The rules were clear and simple at school.  Absolutely no bullying allowed.

It's incredibly lucky of me to have had supportive and understanding faculty. Or is it not that special to rehab an 8 yo? Doesn't everyone give up on a kid by the time they start school? 

I'm not trying to convince you if I'm crazy or not. At this point, I don't know how I wouldn't be. Everyone around me’s crazy goes wildy unchecked. What I'm saying is, i’m not safe here.  Steph & gang shouldn't have to live with such a nasty creature. Give Steph & gang another source of housing and income that is not me.  The women  won't stop until I kill myself.  I will never lose it.  I don't think anyone is better at DDD (dissociation, depersonalization, derealization).  And now that I know their intent is to start shit, I no longer forcd myself to stay present past the first red flag.  I'm not angry, several individuals (music teachers and tutors) were committed to teaching me the skill of forgiveness, before I graduated highschool.  They did not teach cello or math.  They taught much theory.

But bc the abuse leads to me unable to get out of bed, nothing heals, my skin rots.  Me unable to get up is their highly paid consolation prize, they'd sedate me for consecutive days, half wake me to feed me.  That's why I always sat and slept on the floor with no covers.

Please, let me leave.  I'm 43.

---------

Did I receive attention bc left at the community pool with no sandals no towel no sunblock no snack, until sunset, all summer, in the same dance leotard see through when wet bathing suit, 3 years in a row? During thunderstorms, I'd hang out with the ice cream truck driver. He didn't want me begging for change from his customers, so he gave me whatever I wanted.  

I was blatantly teased few enough times I can give you first and last names. The last time I was teased, Asian Association Club on a short bus to the Philadelphia Art Museum. Hannah first cello pulls out jelly on toast, after her banana and milk, and someone scoffs at the amount of food. Hannah says, "what, my mom loves me". Which I thought was touching but a bunch of people explained to me what was really happening.  I didn't know my lack of packed lunch was so famous.  Her mom cut the crusts off before tossting the bread, which as it turns out is ultra delicious, and still very touching.  Only a mom.

small dicked individuals

I am neurodivergent

This manifests as a 2005 Dell or iMac desktop

I've got the spinning hardrives

RAM appropriate for home use 

.mov card

A gig of untouched drivers

Internal modem, DSL capable 

Slightly cracked processors over welded

Excessive Au

Overheats untl automatic shutoff

If you had one of these, you can stop reading, you get my ADHD.  If you'd like to know more about ND, or are curious if I mention you by name, read on.

Especially, if you don't understand each task costs spoons, you will feel disappointment.  If you give inadequate time to prepare - I will fail bc your expectations were set by rested Sunhee.  For example, while I don't have the bandwidth to remember your girlfriend's name at her own party, what you label witchcraft is Bloomberg Terminal.

How I wish I could be me, spontaneously, and/or at all times.  To an individual like me, it can be a matter of life and death whose name I forget.  It's useless to be an almanac, there's a free app for that.

When I'm emotionally regulating overstimulation, fatigue, or anxiety, etc. my working memory, and memory retrieval glitches, and my masking greatly suffers.  If this is an opportunity to gaslight, to plagiarize and butcher, to pretend you don't remember nor understand who I am, I will depersonalize at the sight of you for the rest of your life.  You have been clocked as untrustworthy, the sort who prefers me mute, that gets a brain-sploding [lady] boner for Mighty Mouse incapacitated.

What could have been an opportunity to tattoo your gentle and heroic silhouette all over the primal crannies of my brain, you chose cheap thrills.  If you are safe, I'd pathologically feed, massage, do everything I can to make sure you are around the next time a monster jumps out.  Instead, you squandered on a powertrip.  It's thrilling for the smallest, feckless cowards to feel powerful when hurting something that can't defend itself.

That's not what you were aiming for.  Might we find a quiet time to explain ourselves, or do you choose to become forever branded as unsafe to Primal.

sentence

I'm sorry Steph's cousin repeatedly raped me

I'm sorry I couldn't hide my autism

Please stop pushing me to kill myself 

It hurts

It hurts like someone has bent me backwards so far back I think my back is broken, but I can still breathe see and hear

I welcome you to kill me

But I will not kill myself.  I can't.

I've been trying since 7yo.  It's challenging, and scary.  I can't do it.

It is a suffocating drowning feeling 

In a house as a pest 

Unwelcomed bc I didn't slit my wrists to avoid manufactured agony

The dinner table praying I snap bc I was left out again 

I'm ok

I'm 41/43 and know they're not my family

But Little Me, 

5 yo

7yo

12yo

15yo

19yo

24yo

35.

Wished dead by mother.  Sentenced to death for being born.  Disappointing everyone bc I won't just die.

Everyone told me it wasn't a big deal and to get over it. I don't expect to count.  But i do feel in a way I can never forget.  He made me feel like I had run 100miles in the cold, my heart beat so fast it stopped glub-glubbing and became a high pitched whir in my ears.  The smile he had each time I was returned to him. How I screamed and flailed at the front door Steph slammed behind her.  The dead bolt too high for me to reach. Wendy and Jay looking at me as if I were filth.  I'm still patiently waiting for my ability to fly at the speed of light so I can protect every little person from Steph and her family.

Let me leave.

badass little kid

I see now my utter heartbreak, terror, hunger, frustration was not the goal 

The goal was my nervous breakdown 

I remember thinking, why does Steph describe my breakdowns to dad with such worry, he tells her what will soothe me before I lose it, and she takes no steps to soothe?  She gets faster and louder if I ask her "please.  Stop."

It was as if the demon leaves her and jumps into me. Her face full of diseased toad, that voice that struck my courage as if I a pig carcass and she the steel rod for the spit - as soon as my eye balls started to shake with rushing vomit, her face smoothed out.  The machine gun left her voice.  And it was in me - me stomping and asking for help understanding the contradictions of the last 24 hours.  She'd finally lean back, eyes half closed as I looked for terracotta pots to smash to make the sound that sliced through the air and would snap me out of this.

The confusion was the last straw.  I hated feeling like Alice in wonderland.  Everyone says my mother loves me, she doesn't want me to become the monster that pukes on herself.

That was at 4/6 years old.  It's only gotten easier since then.  Dad and Bok allowed Steph to leave me home alone, and the demon didn't visit Steph again until 8th grade, when Yi left for good.  The demon sometimes flew into Jen.  I say demon bc it is as if something temporarily takes over their body and mind.

I'm not safe here.  The only goal is I die.  I always knew too much.  Since college, I told them I was working on a book, to share my priorities with my family when they asked what I'm doing with my life.  fool I was: to a family of criminals a non-accomplice is a target.  In all cars since Dad died, the AC line has been cracked.  Yesterday, John's sister with Parkinson's froze when she saw me for the first time in my life.

I'm saying I'm not safe.  Who decides not to step in is clear, message broadcast.  Let's go 2026, it's only gotten easier every year.