9 out of 10 times, no one was around to witness any of the abuse. But if I take what Steph says about me, and how Steph processes guilt, then I can get an idea of how far her torturing of a mute toddler went.
When have I ever not been a problem, when has Steph not abused me.
Ok. I get it now. Steph has always given herself away. It was difficult to fully grasp Steph's abuse bc no one could imagine a 27yo hurting a 3yo to that extent. Her obsession with controlling Dad was excruciatingly obvious by how brainwashed I was. Sigh. Yes. Very messy. Cringe city.
Ok. Can I go now? Do I have to stay with her still? I see who Rich has always been - bc he was forced to believe he's special bc his birth mother drowned him while dissociating, which she is known to do bc her first 5 years were torture. I know the role Rich plays. I am a former child soldier of Steph. I know Rich's heart, the man of the house since day 1. But above all, I'm autistic and my purpose in life is to find the common denominator.
Rich, I never bathed you. Never. There is nothing wrong with your brain. Steph is shortbus, but her manipulation is so pervasive that everyone flees and gives her what she wants. Look at who her parents are and education - despite her history Steph has done remarkably well.
The only Christmas Eve dad spent at home, my first awake, was your first Christmas. So many presents, like the entire living room was covered in wrapped gifts. It was too much for me, I hid between the wall and sofa. They found me to show that they had dressed you in my Teddy's Santa costume.
Steph's envy began to spurt uncontrollably at your 100th day and she sold $20k of your gold rings for her slots. Your seizures happened on the next Christmas Eve and Christmas day. I was in the basement. I don't know how it happened. I was supposed to bathe you with help for service, but the bathroom door was locked and I wasn't allowed in bc I was late.
I was told that on Christmas Eve Steph was feeding you korean bbq while you soaked, you choked on the meat, began flailing, then the ER. It's ok if you continue to maintain your beliefs. But one day you will be ready, and you'll remember how it happened. And you'll do the what ifs, and I promise you, I know what it's like to trust Steph with everything, and trust no one else. She needs it that way.
BC of what Steph says, no one wants to marry either you or me. Not bc they believe her words, but bc she would be the mother in law. It's obvious why Steph says what she says, and truth has nothing to do with it.
Rich, nothing is wrong with you. I tried to get you into normal school after one year, so Steph had Amy fixed and shaved behind my back. You are hyper rational, extremely good with people, exceptionally good attitude, patient, kind, creative, and hilarious. Steph and John know you deserve much better. If I were them I'd build you up so I can ride your coattails to old age. They can't let you have a worry free car. You're going to do it. Abundance walks towards peace. Chaos never makes it past the lowest amongst their own. Somehow peace receives wealth with zero manipulation and lying. Peace is generous and forgiving. Simple and honest. You are peace.
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Please, I have served 40 years, I deserve to feel safe bc every creature on earth deserves to know safety. Please? Never again, make my life so I never have to ever be ready to protect myself from her. Give Steph a job that makes her so happy that she doesn't need my stipend. Give her prisoners from El Salvador. Or keep her here and send me to die in a hole. Just promise me she doesn't know how to find me.
I understand my fear is over 35 years old. Do you understand I wake up terrified, where is she is there heat? I pass out from exhaustion, terrified. I'm only free of terror when I pass out. It twists my insides like ribbon candy, wafer thin parts of me shatter regularly, are swept up and recycled. No big. Life goes on.
I know I don't have to be fearful of her anymore. I know I have become my own prison guard. But she did it again with my jaw surgery, why did Jen have to call Penn? She hadn't crossed my mind in over a decade, how does my oral health effect her? Each heartbeat feels so heavy. Only while on IV antibiotics did it feel like my blood weren't made of wet cement. I know I was supposed to die. I know I was supposed to stay mute. I'm sorry you had no condoms. I'm sorry you had no abortions.
What do you think it feels like? To always fear for something I could have never predicted. That when I ask for a confirmation of my account of reality, I'm made fun of and punished with denial of food and water.
What would life be like, not unafraid, but confident there is help getting up if I fall. The gesture of helping me up promises no one will salt my resplit knee oozing clear orange fluid, with her mother pointing and laughing, proud of her daughter's cruelty.
I
Want
To
Feel
Safe
I
Cant
I see how not living in fear is necessary in order for me to live life. "Not fearing" and "moving on" is directly literally asking for pain and humiliation. If I clean my space, Steph will rip me out of bed and smash everything. If I cook healthfully they will spit in it. It can always get worse. Smile along, go back to bed. Nothing matters, pray for sleep.
Maybe my clothes are on the floor, but there are no shards of porcelain figurines.
Maybe it's all takeout and it's killing me slowly, but there's no spit, no pointing and laughing.
This is me trying my best.
