That I have been rumored a child predator since 3yo?
Wasn't it obvious it was to cover up Steph's abuse at 25yo? Both birth parents too ashamed of who they fucked to help a toddler out.
No, no anger. Since 2002, I've grieved the idea of mother/stepmother, thread by thread, in therapy. My accepting while her denying her fraud was the final puzzle piece. At her birthday, she lied about being my mother, retelling my birth story. Lied to my face in front of her mother, husband, and sister. I needed to witness the act of egregious lying. I have it on video.
The clarity is overpowering
The relief from 40 years of confusion is euphoric
— am I bad, stupid, fat, ugly, unwanted, the wrong race? No! Well yes, but I'm addition to the lie of dangerous towards children.
The clarity is Euphoric. Yes, absolutely so and so will feel justified in humiliating me, bc they were told by Stephmother I am a violent child assaulter.
I didn't know I was accused until covid, when I began investigating who took care of me my first 6 years - I discovered many individuals betrayed by Steph. Some not betrayed. All had avoided her since before the funeral.
I'm not saying I was faultless and perfect. Absolutely not, beyond year 2, all models were poorly paid staff. I have the poorest comprehension skills, and my brain is messed up. I know loving as damp, corrosive, lazy. I hoard midst celebrating no need.
BC of stepmother smear campaigns, I'm saying that on my first day, I started on my last. Since 13yo with the help of Sarah Moon covering for her dad and Rachel's mother in front of Accel Hagwun, Steph flew free flapping her lying silicone lips at every dentist, job, apt, University someone hyper moral and self-appointed had their finger on the trigger, ready to shoot my head off. Upon onboarding, I was at 2 strikes 3 fouls, set up to take a cheap bunt. Upon move in, management was ready to flood my unit. Add to that, I have am Asian with an evil genius for a baby sister, fat, autistic, ADHD - to be invited at all is a big deal. Upon RSVP and a handful of texts exchanged, stepmother uses the family plan to know who to call and notify them of my butt, feet, poop obsession. Oh, plain pizza, turkey and cheese, mozz stx, and ice cream too. To be fair, I made tons of mistakes, serious ones too, like hiding my ick for your poopy foot kink. And soggy fries. Who raised you.
Oh, if she told you I'm a sex worker and you believed her? Thank.you.so.much. I wish I had the looks, body, work ethic, customer service skills, lack of sensory issues, self-esteem, and savviness. My literal shortbus brain still associated yam mashing with love. And don't touch me, you're itchy. I'm sweaty. Is this how we do it? No I will not open my eyes. Thirsty.
I am white hot about what was done to a child, and an entire community didn't try to stop the creation of an abuser by abuse. Drunk with power from marrying dad, Steph admitted that her abuse is so extreme, that she turned a 3yo psychopathic. All of my behaviors born from a lack of love and enrichment was left with her to isolate even more.
Each time I remember one of my fairy god mothers, it's like my white hot smoldering rounded back is doused in a cool fresh pond. I look up at the sunny surface of the water, green hued like leaded glass, covered in sparkles of 6AM or 6PM July sunshine. I slowly drift to the still floor bottom. It's quiet and slow, sound travels slower than light.
Fortunately, I am blessed and neighbors, teachers, librarians saw me for me, Steph for Steph. We need to thank them for my not growing into another Elon {(autism(Steph/Jen::Suzanne/Alex)) = Elon}. Can you imagine an Elon with big boobs?
Or a Steph looking Elon? Holy shit.
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I hear someone saying, "well she never actually said she didn't do it".
I have never
Hit
Scared (unintentionally, yes, and apologized for)
Left
Beat
Locked out
Inappropriately touched (**xually and all of the rest)
Intentionally lied to (I have passed on bad info as top tier intel)
Withheld medicine
Denied food or water
Abandoned then hid from at Sam's Club
A child or adult. Never. I hit Amy once. The look of utter shock then disappointment on her face slices something beneath my left ear each time I remember that butt slap.
Human? Never. I know what it felt like as a child, as a teen, an adult. It never feels ok, always feels terrible. The best I can do is observe from the ceiling. As if it happened yesterday, or earlier today. And how I was badgered for "acting weird" or "cried at bath time", and when I explained why I was scared, I was punished AND called a liar. Then a slut. A 6yo slut who seduced a nearly 30yo man into a weekly drugging and assault. After Dad finally figured it out, 12yo Wendy told me to wear an acid wash denim pencil skirt so tight I had sweat rash down to the knees all summer. She paraded me about church and said, you're telling me she's 7yo! Wendy is my babysitter's niece. She was in the same room when it happened, over and over again. She said she never heard anything but me snoring.
I remember it now, like it's happening now. Every time I am gaslit, it's like the first time, exactly like the first time. That I'm not real, I'll never be a real girl. Everyone hates me bc I make them hate me and I have to fix it for mom so she doesn't have to love something so hateable.
