Dad says in Korean, "my dad beat me with a baby tree where even the servants could see and I've never hit you".
I remember saying out loud, "mom, were you abused?"
Steph chortles, "of course not." Then where did she learn from? Everyone else says adults hitting kids has never been ok, but if you grow up that way you think it's normal".
"Does this mean I will hurt my kids?"
Counselor's body cheers up and she says to the three of us, "No. Many abused minors go on to protect kids, for their job. Police officers, counselors, teachers, PALs (like me), and lawyers and doctors. And they do an especially good job bc they know how important it is. Some people believe kids don't feel, and we know that's not true."
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TL;DR
It's nice to know why, it totally makes sense. Confusion is a triggering hyper fixation.
If I were in their position, I would do the same, except no one believes anything I say about anything.
It's extra nice to know I can stop trying, there's nothing I can do about it.
I still won't go outside though. At home I die on my terms. Prison is a great fear, where I can't open a window, or choose to die. Stephmother has goons everywhere, at Walmart and Wegmans I have two associates shop with me the entire shop. Unless I shop after midnight, I'm not allowed to use self checkout. If I walk Ben during sunlight, I'm chased by Karen's on Derby, Gwynmont and Trotter. Once they catch up: "my son is home. When are you leaving?" I'd tell Steph, Jen, and Rich what happened and they didn't know why either. For 30 years, I was told I'm too sensitive and paranoid.
I guess I did ok. According to Suzanne, if dad were alive, he'd disown me. Little does she know, he never claimed me. Didn't attend any graduation and did not invite me to his naturalization. He did attend 1st grade June Fete, hours after the last booth was packed up. His work is very important.
In 40 years, I've been in the same building as dad for a total of 12 waking hours, I can count the number of words he's said to me. I haven't, but I could. His work is very important.
Most moms kept their kid but mine
My mom kept 4 of 5
Why did she have to lie and say she's my aunt
I'll never fully trust my gut
I'm very good at keeping secrets, you just have to specify
I did ok!!
I need to find a sponsor, bgl are above 350 24hrs despite 50-80units of insulin/day. I want to do more than ok. My mind is clear. A sponsor wouldn't let me punish hard-earned clarity with sugar. I smoked 3pk/wk for 15 years. I promise you sugar is 100× worse. It feels like I'm rejecting the only being that's never failed to comfort me.
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cont'd
It's so satisfying: today, the Yangs say it is inevitable I grow up to abuse children BECAUSE I was abused! Satisfying: I'm not imagining anything. Nor making up stories for attention.
they knew I was telling the truth. this entire time, Steph knew her cousin babysitter regularly sexually abused me. Satisfying: I wasn't a 6yo seductress!! She chose him as an overnight babysitter despite knowing he had raped her sister 13 years previous.
I was severely traumatized after Jessica Hong's mother, bc at the later dismissal time, as the sidewalk is at capacity for pickup, she grabs me by the wrist so stiff she tears off a metal watch, and shouts, "no wonder your mother beats you!".
It wasn't a secret, I kept it a secret!! I'd only admitted it to Sarah Moon bc she asked so many times at the Fall Retreat. Will I be punished for this too?! How many people just heard!! Worst July 28th of my life. And I had a month of classes left Steph said she couldn't get a refund on. If Accel were free I could have stayed home. Its ok I was a shy and grumpy kid!! I did ok!! 12yo me did ok. 💪💜👍
